Something's afoot.

Although if it happened to be multiple somethings, would that mean that somethings were afeet? Anyways, I know what's going on. It's almost Christmas. I know it's almost Christmas because it's been cold and snowy and Brianna's playing Christmas music. I also know that my Mom brought home a bag that simply reeked of tennis balls the other day, and they won't give any of them to me. I also know that my people took me on a walk where everything smelled very interesting and Dad lied down on the ground and knocked over a big tree and now that tree is standing in the living room. I'm contemplating drinking the water that it's standing in. There's also a lot of that crinkly paper laying about, and lots of lights strung up.

But you know what REALLY tells me it's Christmas? The food. There's so much food happening. Brianna's been using food like crazy. She stirs things up in bowls and pans and puts them in the big black box in the kitchen that's hot. She and Mom always tell me to get away because it's hot. Actually, she's been telling me to get away from her cooking a lot lately, although I'm not quite sure why... She could at least share some.

Mom was out today, and Brianna was cooking again. I was standing there, looking at her. She had just dropped a cookie on the floor, and I was hoping for another one, but she told me I'd gotten my treat and to go away, so I lied down next to the sink. She was washing dishes and the big metal bowl she mixes up stuff in but that looks a lot like a really large dog dish was sitting on the edge of the counter. It was empty, and she'd just finished putting the stuff in it on the big flat metal things. There wasn't much room on the counter, I guess, because of all the big flat metal things she had out. I'm not sure what was happening, because I was asleep, but I woke up when the very large dog dish bowl fell of the counter on top of my head. I ran away and hid in my box until Dad got home, even though she apologized profusely for it falling on me. I'm just confused.

Guess what?

Guess what I did today!! I went to the dog park! I ran and chased the ball and played with all my friends and made some new ones. They got a new water spout there and now there's actually stuff to drink, it's amazing.

And then we got home and THERE WAS A CAT IN THE YARD. THERE WAS THIS CAT IN THE YARD and Brianna opened up the car and I saw the cat and I barked and barked and barked and then Mom opened the door and grabbed my leash but I pulled the leash out of her hands and ran after the cat and they yelled and yelled and i lost track of the cat but I kept running around in circles in the yard anyway because it was fun! And then Brianna had a squeaky toy and called and squeaked the squeaky toy and I guess I fell for it (or maybe I'm just a good dog, but I guess we'll never know) so I ran over and she grabbed my leash and then gave me the squeaky toy.

My people had chicken for dinner.... Mmmm, chicken.... Dad put some chicken juice on my food and it was tasty but I wanted more chicken. I always want more chicken. So I tried to eat chicken bones out of the garbage. It might have gone better if Mom hadn't been standing right next to me. She bopped my nose and I slunk off, feeling rather sheepish. I suppose I should have been more sneaky. But I just wanted that chicken!

I'm the best dog ever.

I'm the best dog ever! That's so obvious, everyone knows it. You know why I'm the best dog ever? I'm strong, ferocious, furry, cute, lovable and extremely determined.

THERE WAS A DEER. THERE WAS A DEER STANDING BY THE TREE ON THE NEIGHBOR'S SIDE OF THE FIELD. AND I WANTED THAT DEER. OH BUT I REALLY WANTED THAT DEER.

I was on my line, so I decided to go get the deer. My line is attached to a big piece of round metal called a wheel rim and it just sits in the lawn and I can't get it away. Well, I'm not supposed to be able to get it away. But I REALLY WANTED THAT DEER. So I draaaaggged my line. I dragged it all the way through the front lawn and across the driveway and halfway through the field and then the deer ran off. After all that, the deer ran off! I was, however, extremely pleased with myself. Well, who wouldn't be? I got all the way across the yard and even left tracks in the grass to prove it! I should win some kind of award. Unfortunately, dogs don't ever get awards.

I'M LEGAL!

I'm a completely legal dog now! Mom renewed my dog license for three more years! Which means that I'm legal for three more years and also that I'm not going back to the pound. Security is a nice feeling. You know, it's a very nice feeling to know you belong. It's quite possibly the best feeling in the world when someone loves you.

You know what else is a nice feeling? Looking pretty. More specifically, new jewelry. Last week I got my shots, which wasn't fun. But they gave me a new tag for my shots! It's orange and nice and shiny right now, although very soon it won't be shiny in the slightest. Now I have four tags and I'll jingle even more. I like walking through the house because my toenails click and my tags jingle and I sound lovely and musical.

Speaking of music, Brianna was using that scary thing called a guitar again today. I hid in my box. It's just so loud. At least she didn't turn on the big black box in the corner of her room. I'm not sure what that big black box does, but she takes this long leash thing and sticks it in the guitar and the other end in the box and then these huge, awful noises come out of it. It's like the radio only much less radioish.

Mom called me Carlotta tonight. What does this even mean?! At least they don't call me Bonquiqui anymore. Or Wigglebutt. Well, sometimes they still do.... It's quite offensive, if you ask me.

Today is a very special day!

Today was a very special day! Do you know why? DO YOU KNOW WHY TODAY WAS A VERY SPECIAL DAY?! BECAUSE I WENT TO THE DOG PARK WITH MOM AND DAD!!!!

But do you know why we went to the dog park? Because this is my one-year-anniversary! I've been a part of the family for exactly a year. I can't believe it! It doesn't feel like a year at all. I love my people. I love my people a lot. They're the best people, really.

Oh, guess what else! Mom got me Dentasticks yesterday! I love Dentasticks. I get them before bed and they're delicious. Oh, and I had to go to the vet last week. They stuck me with needle thingies and it was very unpleasant. They also clipped my nails, which was also very unpleasant. On the other hand, I ate half a bag of treats there. That part was quite pleasant.

Some days I just love being a dog. Actually, I ALWAYS love being a dog. It's THE BEST.

The Party!

There was a party here on Saturday! Like I said, there was a party! It was a big party. It wasn't the crazy kind of party, though. It was the family kind of party. There was Mom and Dad and Jared and Brianna and Rory and Kayley and Grandma and Aunt Denny and Keith and Dorothy! And me! I was the only dog, although Denny and Grandma always smell like another dog.... I really, really, really like Aunt Denny. Last time she was over, Dad scolded her for feeding me cookies under the table. I don't know why, I really liked it.....

I spent most the day on my line, which was ok, because everyone else spent it on the porch. They had all this delicious food. It was a picnic party, you see. I guess it was some kind of holiday. And they even put bacon grease on my dog food!! (BEST DOG FOOD EVER!!) Even Grandma gave me bits of cookie!

I heard everyone talking after they were done eating. I was still on my line. Brianna said to Denny "where are you going?" and she said "to pet the dog" and Rory said "why do you have a hot dog in your hand?" and Denny said "oh, it's just my hot dog, I'm going to eat it" and then Brianna scolded her and I'm not sure why but DENNY GAVE ME THE HOT DOG!!! THE WHOLE HOT DOG!!!!! Do you see why I just LOVE Denny?? But why was she lying? When she came back up on the porch, she announced to all and sundry that she had dropped her hotdog. Keith said "did it hit the ground?" and she said "nope". Boy but that hot dog was tasty. On the other hand, do you suppose eating hot dogs is wrong? Is that cannibalistic of me? I'm not sure I care...

But then I didn't have much fun after that. You see, Jared and Keith and Brianna and Rory stood in the driveway and they threw these things into the driveway and they would blow up! They shot off all this smoke and made this huge noise. I wanted to bark, but I ran and hid in the bushes on the side of the front yard. It was so scary, when Brianna came out with a leash to bring me in, I wouldn't come out of the bushes until she picked up my stick and held it out. Then she gave me a hug and I was scared and shaking all over and I didn't want to go near the big noise but she took me inside anyway and I hid under the desk. But then after Dad sat on the floor with me for awhile and then put me in my box where I was safe, I was ok.

Other than that, the day was amazing! OH BUT I JUST LOVE EVERYONE AND I LOVE SUMMER AND I LOVE THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!!!

Do you ever wonder why people don't have tails?

Well, I knew something was afoot (what a strange word, why would you only have one foot?) this morning when Dad was home this morning. And then he and Mom left, and Brianna got out the thingy that makes all the noise that you run back and forth over the floor -- that's it, the vacuum, that's what it's called. And she put me in my box and vacuumed the entire house. Like, the whole thing. And besides disrupting my midmorning nap, I went to all that work making the floors nice. It took me two weeks to get all those clumps of hair everywhere! In fact, in the den it was so lovely that the entire carpet looked heathered. It was absolutely stunning, but she just HAD to go and CLEAN. Oh well, I always lose hair, so I'll always decorate the house....

And then I chewed on my favorite tennis ball all afternoon. Since it's my favorite, I pulled most of the fabric part off of it. It was tasty. Then I went out on my line and Dad made a lot of noise in the driveway and the next thing I knew he was sitting on this weird thing with two round wheel things and it was taking him down the driveway! I barked! And barked! And then he came back and I was confused.

Mom cooked hamburgers today. She wanted to give me one, but Dad and Brianna wouldn't let me have one. After dinner, the unthinkable happened. Dad put me on my walking collar and leash and took me for a walk. But then when we got inside he didn't take off the leash. He took of my pink collar, the one around my neck. I knew I was done for. I have maintained my dirty state for so long. Such a comforting place to be...

Brianna said "Carly, it's your night! You lucky dog!" and I knew at that moment that she was a terrible, terrible liar, so I ran into my box. She picked up the leash and a bag of treats and we went down to the bathroom. I tried to lie down on my pillow on the way, but she wouldn't let me. And I even gave Dad a really cute, sad look and rubbed my nose on his legs, but he wouldn't let me go, either! So I got a bath. At least Brianna gave me lots of treats. But then I came out and Dad had taken out my nice hair-encrusted rug and put in a clean blanket. I don't know how to feel about that. And now I'm clean. I don't know if I like being clean. I'm also quite undecided on how I feel about being clean.

They said I had to be clean for tomorrow. But I'm not sure what tomorrow is. Mom says it's a party. But what kind of party? And why? And I'm really excited at this idea. I love parties!

I will never understand.

I will never understand, and that's a fact. After all, I'm just a dog. And since I'm just a dog, how can you expect me to understand?

But it would be awfully nice if I did understand. Like, take my people. They don't make sense! They eat things with forks. Why don't they just shove their faces into it? But I suppose not everyone can have as nice a nose as I do.

People wear clothing. Now, I know that people don't have fur coats (and in weather like this, they should be glad of that) but why do they feel the need to wear clothing? If I had no fur, first of all, I'd look funny. (People have got that part mastered.) And I'd also not cover myself up with unnecessary layers. People don't chase rabbits. People don't play with sticks.

But the weirdest thing people do, the weirdest thing, is how they treat dogs. Brianna keeps calling me Snookie Oookum Pops and hugging me like I'm her best friend. (Hey, I am. She doesn't tell me secrets like Eeeeeloina or Emerleh but I don't exactly carry on a good conversation, so I guess that makes sense.) But right after she gets done calling me Snookie Ookum Pops she yells at me to stop jumping on the bed! Like, what's wrong with jumping on the bed? I like the bed. It smells like her and is comfy and covered in pillows and blankets. So why won't they share? Does it mean they don't love me? After all, I keep myself clean and don't chew up blankets. (Well, sometimes I dig holes in the yard and my paws get muddy. But I really don't chew blankets much. And I always clean my paws afterwards.) So why won't they let me on the bed?

BEST. WEEKEND. EVER.

THIS WAS THE BEST. WEEKEND. EVER. OH MY GOODNESS YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?! BRIANNA HAD A PARTY.

I love parties! I love parties so much! She had Sarah and Leah and Emerleh and Eeeeeelaina over and they didn't play with me much but they took me on a WALK. And you know why the walk was exciting? It was NIGHT. You know what else? Rory was here! I just love everyone.

You know what else? People don't think I know what's going on, but ohhh.... When you have five teenage girls hanging around, you know what happens? They talk. In fact, nothing short of an explosion can get them to shut up. And even then that doesn't work. They talk and talk and talk and since I'm a dog, I don't talk. And you know what that means? That means I listen.

Oh, but I listen. I listen to all their secrets. I listen when I'm in bed and they sit in the kitchen keeping me up. I listen when I'm out on my line and they won't shut up and you can hear them out the window. I listen when they walk me and talk and talk and talk while half of them run backwards. That's how much girls talk. They talk so much that once everyone's gone home Brianna calls Eeeeeelaina up and the two of them talk for two more hours about everything everyone has already talked about. Sometimes it gets tiring, honestly.

The most common thing they talk about is boys. Boys! Of all the things to talk about, they talk about boys?! What is wrong with that?! They could throw a tennis ball around or chase rabbits or even chew on things but they talk about BOYS?! What do boys even matter? They're just like girls only smellier and they eat less and talk less. (Girls eat so much food, there's always food hanging about and they never give me any of it.) Boys talk much less. I don't even really know any teenage boys. But they're sure not worth talking about for more than a few minutes.

But I suppose maybe.... Never mind, just thinking about Sammy and Judah, sorry. It's so conflicting, this whole boy thing.

Three things about spring.

My people are upset with me. But what on earth is there for my people to complain about? I am literally the perfect dog, and they'll be the first to admit it. And you know, spring is the best time ever, besides summer, which is just like spring only much longer. And you know what happens in spring.

Well, three important things happen in the spring. I shall list them out and tell you why each one matters.

1. Mud. And in this case, I shall go by the old adage "a picture is worth a thousand words". See below.

2. Mom planted flowers. And then Jared let me out on my porch line because Mom forgot to tell him not to. I have nothing to say, just that the dirt was so fresh and smelled so good and I said that I would just dig a little and then next thing I knew... Never mind. Don't blame me.

3. Shedding. This is currently the most annoying of the three things I am highlighting here. Even I find it annoying. Brianna has been brushing an extra dog out of me every day, and when I scratch myself, clumps of hair fly everywhere. Why, just the other day, Mom had company over. So Brianna vacuumed the entire house. And then I stood in the den on the freshly vacuumed carpet and shook myself off. Hey, it felt good to get that extra hair out! It flew all over and both Mom and Brianna went "I JUST VACUUMED" and had a nice little fit. I don't understand humans, always having fits. But I can't help it!! I'm just a dog, gimmie a break!! And Mom says I look "mangy". Mangy?! Well excuse me! I can't help it, please don't be mad at me, I still love you and I don't mean to be mangy and I'll stop being mangy when I'm done shedding and THANKS now I'm having an identity crisis.

But I'm also very happy lately. See?

Sometimes I'm kind of a diva. A sleepy, doggie diva.

I love Brianna. Even when she picks me up and gives me a hug.

oh no.

Oh no. I'd say I'm not a happy dog, but I really am a happy dog. And I'm not a very good liar. So I'll just say oh no.

You know, I was having a fantastic life. I haven't had a bath in like, a month, because Brianna keeps brushing me. I was with Judah and Gemini over the weekend. I've been to the dog park twice! And doggie daycare yesterday! Eeeeeelaina came over last week. And it was all going great! AND THEN MY PEOPLE WENT AND RUINED THAT.

You know, they fooled me. I was convinced, I tell you, I was CONVINCED that we were going to the dog park today when I got into the car. But you know where we came out? That really interesting smelly place where there are rabbits and squeaky toys and lots of crinkly bags that smell good! And I can't think of what it's called, oh, yes, the pet store. And you know what? They didn't even stop to peruse the squeaky toys and when I pressed my nose against the glass to watch a chinchilla, they told me no! And you know where they took me? To the back. To the funny room where they tied me up!! They tied me up and they had to have three ladies hold me down and they clipped my nails! And also cleaned my ears! AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN GIVE ME A TREAT. WHAT EVILNESS IS THIS?

I'm very good and disgruntled. And you know what I've always maintained. One should always keep their dog good and gruntled.

But I suppose I really can't complain because then they gave me a yummy treat and took me to the dog park. Other than today I've been having an excellent time tromping through fields on my line and barking at birds and playing with sticks and getting wet in the pool at the park and daycare and sleeping a lot. I'm awfully happy. Do you realize my people have had me for nearly a year? I can't believe it.

WOOF WOOF WOOF

Oh deer me, have I really not written in a week? Well, I've been distracted. You see, there are rabbits! And other things! That move! All in the yard! And I'm so distracted!

But that's not really why I've been distracted. Crazy things happened this week! You know how I told you about the big dogs named Gemini and Judah? Well, I was at their house! But not just for a little bit. Mom and Dad and Brianna took me to their house and we went in and said hi and then they brought in my crate and blanket and food and even my tennis ball and treats and they put it all up and then they left. They LEFT! MY PEOPLE LEFT ME!!!

I have to admit, I wasn't terribly perturbed. I mean, I got to play with Judah for like, two days! He and I are best friends now!! (don't tell Sammy, he might be jealous.) But there was this awful wagging feeling inside me that my people had completely abandoned me. But all the people there were really nice (even though one of the boys about Brianna's age wouldn't give me the tennis ball and then he felt upset when I nearly took his hand off. Of course, that was accidental.)

Judah and I played. Nonstop. Gemini kind of tolerated us. She wasn't terribly friendly. But Judah and i are best friends!! and I was such a happy dog!! And the girls didn't want to give me back because they thought I was such a nice dog. Oh, but I love humanity.

And then my people came back! My people came back! They came back! And I still won't let them out of my sight!! I missed them!!! I'm just happy they came back to got me. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! When I went home, they gave me a toy! It's blue and Judah and Gemini didn't like it much. AND IT SQUEAKS!!!! IT SQUEAKS!!!! IT'S MY NEW MOST FAVORITE THING!!!!! IT SSQQQEEEEEEEKKKSSSS!!!!!!

MY LIFE IS AMAZZZINNNNGGGGGG I've just been so happy lately!!!!

OH OH OH OH

OH MY GOSH YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY?!?!?! Oh, you don't know, do you? Because I don't even know who "you" is and you certainly didn't see what happened today unless you were one of the people who were there, but you'd better not be because if my people find out I write a wog, well, I don't know what will happen.

Anyways, yesterday was doggie daycare. I played and played and you know what? I even got in the pool! And then I rolled in the dust! And when Mom and Brianna showed up to take me home, they were rather upset at my new color and damp, slimy texture. So they brushed me off, right there in the parking lot. Why, I'm not quite sure. Then I got in my crate but instead of going home, we drove and drove and drove...

And we came out at this house! It was a big house with lots of flowers and grass outside and a lot of snurfability. And it smelled like other dogs! OTHER DOGS. And Mom and Brianna took me in and there were PEOPLE!!!! There were two girls and two boys and a nice lady and they all hugged me and pet me and said what a nice dog I was, and then they brought in three other dogs!!! THREE OTHER DOGS!!!! There was a huge fluffy white one named Gemini, and then there was a huge fuzzy black one named Judah and then there was a big golden puppy named Wilby. And they sniffed me and I sniffed them and I wanted to play, but I couldn't because Brianna had the dumb walking collar on me.

And then Brianna and Mom just talked to the people for a long time and I had to just sit there but Brianna finally took me outside and put me in my crate and then a few minutes later they came back out. OH OH OH it was just so exciting! I don't know what the meaning of it all was, but it was so very very very exciting! And I love exciting things!

Mmmm I'm a wonderful dog.

Well, my people always say I'm a wonderful dog... But anyway, that's neither here nor there nor anywhere nor a squirrel. But this time I know I'm a wonderful dog. You know why? Because we had people over here yesterday evening. And guess what! I was a good dog! I only jumped on two people and then when everybody sat down I just lied right down in the middle of the floor and only sniffed at a few people's ice cream. I was such a good dog. All my people said so.

I guess I'm not much of a puppy anymore, am I?

Pants smell amazing.

I'm really quite an awful wogger, aren't I? I'm sorry, May is a crazy month. I expect to be wogging more now that it's almost summer, though. Isn't that a cheerful thought? Summer is always a cheerful thought... Dog parks... Long walks... Bugs to chase.... FROGS to chase.... Rabbits to chase.... Friends coming over.... Mmmmm, maybe Mom will even give me ice cream again! That would be wonderful, wouldn't it?

Well, I never told you what happened with the puff ball, did I? She was here for two weeks. On the last day, we both lost our tempers and had to go in our boxes. Then she and I were in our crates in the car and my people got her out but not me and then they took her someplace and a lady got her and then took her inside a house and she was gone! It was actually nice.... I was pretty frustrated with her not wanting to play. So that was that.....

Last week was crazy -- my people had picnics and parties and then this thing called a ball. and I said A BALL?!?!?! YOU'RE GOING TO A BALL AND NOT BRINGING ME?!?!?! HOW CAN YOU GO TO A BALL?!?! YOU PLAY WITH BALLS, YOU DON'T GO TO THEM!!!!! I mean, you can drive to the dog park to get a ball, but why would you do that?! And why did they go without me?! I'm still not understanding the concept.

All week, Brianna had this shiny cloth stuff and she had Emerleh over, and Emerleh's mom and older sister and they all cut pieces out of the shiny cloth and then they got out this scary white thing that sits on the table and Brianna sat at and stuck the shiny cloth into and then it went "WRRH WRRH WRRH" and made big scary noises and I don't know what happened then because I always ran and hid in my box. She did this like, all week. And then whenever she got the shiny cloth and I tried to sniff it she'd yell at me that I was getting noseprints on it. Noseprints? What's wrong with noseprints? Their like fingerprints, only slightly nosier. And she shouldn't complain about my noseprints when her fingerprints are all over it!

So then she put on this outrageous thing -- it was huge and billowous and made of the same shiny fabric but I don't know how that could be! And she put it all on over this puffy thing and it was like clothing. And then she trounced off with Mom and Dad (and Dad shaved his beard off part way and it looked funny and Brianna just burst out into spontaneous laughter for two days every time she looked at him) and met up with Emerleh and Eeeeelaina and Rachel and Leah and Sarah and all her other friends and they did things -- and I don't know what, I just saw pictures of them all in the same sort of outfit.

And I still don't understand why it's called a ball. As far as I could see, whatever they did had NOTHING to do with tennis balls. Or soccer balls, or baseballs or footballs or any other sort of thing like that at all. Can somebody explain this to me?

I am so confused?

So there's this puffball, right? Well, it's still here. And I'm still not sure why. I'm quite annoyed today. She won't play! And when I try to play with her, she gets fed up with me and hauls off and yaps! And I don't understand why. And I'm supposedly being really annoying, but I don't get that. I am just so confused. I'm also extremely jealous because Katie is allowed to sit on people's laps and I'm not allowed on the furniture!!! What is wrong with this?! I WANT EQUAL RIGHTS. Not only that, but then the puffball has the audacity to sleep on my pillow! What is wrong with humanity?! Society is falling to ruin!!

This is me and the puffball on Brianna's rug. I'm contemplating chewing on her guitar case and sleeping on her clean laundry, but I doubt she'd appreciate it, even though destruction is the sincerest form of flattery. She should clean her room, anyway.

See? Isn't it weird? It's little. And really fluffy. And I don't understand it. I wish she'd just tell me what she's thinking, but she won't. I think maybe she's sad that her people haven't come to get her. Maybe? I don't know.

In other news, all the snow was all melted and it was nice and muddy and springy, but today it snowed. TODAY IT SNOWED. Can you believe that?! I don't know if I should be really happy or really annoyed. I'm so confused.

Oh, oh, oh, and you'll never guess what happened this weekend!! Eeeeelaina came over and so did Emerleh and then Eeeeeelaina stayed over and it was amazing!!! I LOVE REDHEADS OH MY GOODNESS and they also drank coffee (I don't get the point of this coffee stuff, but all my people consume it like crazy, it's gotten really bad lately, they keep drinking more and more of it) and Emerleh put her empty mug on the floor and I started to lick it, and then Brianna yelled at me.... It tasted good, but kind of funny. I'm also a little paranoid, is my tongue too big?

OH MY GOSH GOSH GOSH OH MY GOSH

ALL MY GREATEST WISHES HAVE COME TRUE!!!! THERE'S ANOTHER DOG!!!!!! THERE IS ANOTHER DOG IN THE HOUSE!!!!!! Of course, I have no idea why there is another dog in the house, but that's besides the point. Yesterday evening this lady showed up with two kids and they had this little puffball with them and they stayed and talked awhile, and then she left, but she forgot her puffball! And all the puffball's things, like blankets and a kind of food that comes in a can and smells really delicious. And the puffball is still here.

I'm very confused. This puffball's name is Katie, but she won't talk to me. She's really, really small and brown and much older than me and I want to plaaay!!!! but she doesn't. The only time she'll talk to me is when I annoy her so much she hauls off and gives me a lecture. I don't understand? My people say I'm "overbearing" (like that lady at the dog park), but I just want to be her friend!!

She's a lapdog. So she's allowed on Brianna's lap and her and Dad pick her up. Which is not fair. Sometimes I get so jealous I bark. I'm just very confused. I wish Katie would talk to me, but she won't. She just ignores me. And sometimes she sleeps on my bed. And she's also allowed in the car without a crate, she just sits on Brianna's lap! How is this fair?! I can be a lapdog, too!!! This is an outrage.

I'm so confused. What's happening? Why do we have another dog in the house? And I'm also afraid. What if my people stop loving me and love Katie more?

The mud pit -- er, dog park.

Brianna went to church and didn't come back! Then tonight she brought Emerleh in, so I suppose she must have spent the day with her, but that upset me, because that means she was cheating on me because she smelled like Sable, Brian's dog. and CATS. SHE SMELLED LIKE CATS!!!! SHE SMELLED. LIKE CATS. OH MY GOODNESS, BRIANNA SMELLED LIKE CATS!!!!! I practically had a heart attack. I love cats. I mean, I LOVE CATS. Don't even get me started. I ADORE cats.

So Brianna was gone all day, but it was ok, because Mom and Dad took me to the dog park. It was so much fun!! I played in the mud puddles! and then they wouldn't let me into the house.... So I had to stay out on my line and get hosed off before they'd let me in.

  

And then I got a bath. A vile, vile, bath. Dad had to shampoo me three times. It was horrid. Not just that, but I got a flea treatment after that, too!! Can you believe these people?! What is wrong with them?! Torturing a poor, innocent doggy like me like this. Doesn't that face just melt your heart?! You know it does........

Speak?

Awhile back, Brianna stood in the kitchen with treats. I mean, the really good kind of treat. The meaty kind of treat. And she had the clicky thingie that she clicks when I did something right and she's going to give me a treat. (I kind of dropped out of dog club... Well, Brianna did. Supposedly because I was humiliating her, but I have no idea what she's talking about there. I think it was because she's had oodles (are oodles like poodles, only less fluffy?) of schoolwork to do, and a college math class with lots of homework. But that's my personal speculation.) Anyway. So she took that little box, you know the one I told you about a long time ago? She held it in one hand with the treat and clicky thing in the other, and then kept saying "speak!" and then she would push a button and it would bark.

I just looked at her. I knew she'd gone utterly crazy, finally. When it gets sunnier out, her hair gets more red. Therefore, she also gets crazier. She's just a little auburn, so she will never be a true redhead, for which I am sad. But redheads are a rare race and if you have one, you can consider yourself lucky. Anyhow, she kept making the box bark. I don't know what she was trying to accomplish. I finally got disgruntled enough that I yipped.

She clicked! I got the treat! She said "good speak!" and we kept doing this, over and over again, over the course of two days. I still don't understand why she wants me to bark, she scolds me for barking at the neighbors. But I guess this is different? So that is the story of how I learned to speak. Sit and Lie Down and Shake and High Five and Roll Over and Dance and Spin and Turn all have very boring explanations. So this is your interesting explanation of what it's like to be a dog. Whoever said "it's a dog's life" had absolutely no idea. NO idea. Absolutely NO idea.

Oh my goodness, it's spring!

It's spring! I'm so excited! Mostly all the snow has melted and that means... MUUDD!!! I LOVE MUD. I ABSOLUTELY ADORE MUD. Because you know what mud means? THE DOG PARK. The dog park is a mud pit right now.... And I know it very well. I've been three times in the last couple weeks. And I've gotten three baths. Can you believe that? That's the thing about mud, you need baths with it. And I've also been shedding a lot, because spring means it's shedding season. I don't mind, but Mom and Brianna do a lot of vacuuming and Dad is always picking clumps of hair off things.

I'm sorry about not wogging... and I realized that if I actually wogged more I could have a really nice wog. But I just don't feel like wogging when nothing interesting happens to me anymore. I mean, really, lately the only interesting things around are robins (there are flocks of them that Brianna won't let me bark at) and the dog park, swamp-spattered and elusive though it may be.

Life has gotten into such a dull routine, I'm bored. It's the same every day. We all got lazy over the winter. And I gained weight!! Brianna picked me up and stood me on the scale the other day. I'm 52 pounds!! I gained eight pounds over the winter!! Does this make fat? Oh dear, do I need to go on a diet? Because I sure as heck don't want to go on a diet. I LOVE CHEESE. AND I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER. AND I LOVE MEAT. I'M A DOG, I LIVE FOR FOOD. Mom says I still have a lovely, sfelt (sfelt? Is that the word?) figure, but I'm getting a little nervous... I don't want to be a pudgy dog. But she also says I'll burn it all off at the dog park. So I guess I'm ok.

I just wish something interesting would happen. Something really, really, really interesting. Hmm. What would make life more interesting? I know! I wish we had another dog! But that's not going to happen. Now Mom cries over dog stories, but she still says she doesn't want another. What an insult to my race... Anyway, another dog to play with would make life interesting. But you know what else would be interesting? An escape. I haven't escaped since February, and that was lots of fun. I should do that again.

Ok! So guess what!

Yesterday was dog club thing. Brianna hasn't taken me in weeks because she's been frustrated with me. But Mom made her go.

I'm kind of tired of being bad, actually. I mean, I'm almost two years old. I can't keep acting like a puppy, can I? I'm going to be old soon. So I decided to try being good. I sat and stayed and walked next to her and didn't bark too much (except at a couple dogs who I like to bark at). And you know something? It was really nice! I got a lot of really good treats -- I'm not talking milkbones, she gave me steak bites and chicken meatballs and beef sausage, also regular crunchy ones. And she was really happy with me afterwards! She usually is really tired and doesn't want to talk to me after obedience classes. But this time she kept saying how proud she was of me and she hugged me a lot. She was especially happy because this one dog named Poppy barked and jumped and yelped at me, but I didn't do anything.

Oh! Oh! Oh! And I got to run through a tunnel and go over jumps! (I was a little occupied barking at the instructor's dog, but it was a lot of fun.) Three people said that I would be really good at agility! I really want to do agility. I think it would be fun. It looks like fun. Drill team looks kind of boring, but agility looks like lots of fun. Brianna says if we fence in the back yard for me, she'll build me an agility set up. That would be a lot of fun!

Can you believe it?!

Do you know what my people did to me?! Well, I shouldn't say "my people" because it was all Mom's idea!! They took me to the dog park. Well, that was a lot of fun. It was all snowy and I played with lots of dogs and I actually didn't get dirty, which was unusual. But anyway. And then, and then, and then do you KNOW WHAT THEY DID?

I will tell you what they did! They took me to that place, the, um, the thing, what's it called? The pet shop, that's it! The place where the live rabbits are right next to the dog toys! Oh oh oh oh I love rabbits! They're so furry and chaseable and very evasive, which upsets me... But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. They didn't let me look at the rabbits (how unfair is that, I even asked for one for Christmas, and do you think I got one, nooo!) and they took me to the back of the store and gave me to a couple ladies who tied me up and put a thing on my nose and then attacked my paws and chopped off all my nails!! I can't believe anybody would be that cruel!!! It is SO NOT FAIR. One of the ladies even works at the doggie daycare!!! This is tyrannical and mean and VILE. I HATE having my nails clipped. In fact, I don't even like anyone touching my paws. Can you BELIEVE they actually did that to me?! I can't.

On the other hand, Emerleh showed up today. She stole my tennis ball, which seemed unkind to me. But she did throw it for me, which was nice of her.

Speaking of tennis balls... I only have one now. You know why? Because my favorite one disappeared. I was just starting to break it in -- it was all squishy and turning kind of brownish and the fabric was peeling away -- and then I finally got it open and chewed it up! I was proud of myself. And then I got put out on my line, and I swear, I wasn't out there more than ten minutes, and when I came back in, IT WAS GONE. I looked EVERYWHERE for it, but it was gone!! I'm pretty sure Brianna threw it out. How nasty is that? That's just plain low. If I threw out her purse, how would she feel? I mean, it's getting worn out, and I don't think she chews on it, but she does carry it everywhere. And If I threw it out, don't you think she might be upset? So why'd she have to go throw out my tennis ball?!

NOT FAIR!!!!

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!! Brianna walks me almost every day. Sometimes I have to bother her until she walks me, but unless I go to daycare or the dog park, she walks me two miles a day. But it's NOT FAIR!!!! She won't let me play or even bark at all the other dogs down the road!!!! Can you believe that?! She yelled at me when the two Corgis at 135 and I tried to have a decent conversation! We didn't even get past the introduction! (I caught the one's name, he was called Charleston Shoe, but I couldn't catch the girl's name.) It's very upsetting. And that Husky and I never get anywhere because Brianna doesn't stop to let me chat. She just drags me along saying "no!" It's a terrible pity because I think we could be great friends, but noooo!

Oh, and the big black dog at the end of the road is always outside and always tells me to get away from his property. When I go to retort, Brianna tells me not to. Does she expect me to just take that lying down?! I don't think so! But what really galls me the most (hmm, gall. Is that like ball? No, being galled means you're angry, but when you have a ball, you're happy. The English language is so strange) is that when I try to let all my would-be buddies know that I'm outside, she tells me not to! I want them to know I'm here, if they don't know I'm out there then how will we ever get acquainted? The whole thing is just very annoying. Does anyone have any tips on how to get away with barking? Because lately my people think I've been doing too much of it.

Not that I am, of course. Do they really expect me just to not say anything all day every day, I'd like to know! Sometimes I just feel like having a civilized discussion. It's a pity the only language my people speak is human. Dog is the only language with any sort of distinction. Each breed has it's own sort of dialect, and then of course there are regional differences, and every individual dog has it's own way of phrasing things (like how redheads say "eh" instead of "ee", as in "puppeh", or how Brianna puts "bob" or "obob" onto the ends of words, as in "buddybob" or "doggieobob"). But all and all, it's a very refined way of talking, and people just don't understand.

I must echo a question from one of those inane musicals my people love so much. "Why can't the English learn to speak?" Or maybe it should be "Why can't the English learn to bark?" Only I don't think we're English. I'm not sure. So let's just leave it at "Why can't the people learn to bark?"

Church.

What is Church? My people leave me in my box every week the morning after Saturday to go to church. Now, I know church is about God. I love God! I like to sit on my line and look at the trees and the birds and the squirrels and the sky and bark to thank God for it, because it's just the best and He's the best! He made me furry so I'd stay warm in the winter, and he invented evaporational cooling so I'd stay cool in the summer. (That's just a peopley way of explaining why I like hanging my tongue out when I'm hot.) He made the birds and squirrels and deer and even cats (though sometimes I wonder why He thought this world needed cats. Eeeelaina would say I'm being racist, but who needs cats?!) and He made all the dirt for me to dig in and the water to play in and He even made my people who they are! Oh, and He made the redheads and people friends who THEY are, too! Why shouldn't I love Him and be thankful? He's the best! He gave me everything I need and more. He loves me even more than I love Him, and that's crazy! I mean, He doesn't give me tummy rubs or anything, but I know He loves me, and that's funny, because usually I need people to give me tummy rubs to make sure they love me.

So if I love God, and if God loves me, why don't they let me come to church? That's the place you go when you love God, right? So why can't I go?! It's frustrating! All I know about church is that it smells like food and people and floors and metal (I smelled Brianna's slippers, which are furry and look like small animals on her feet and she wears them to Church.) And it's upsetting me that I can't go, too!

It's not fair, I love God as much as all those people who go to church! So why can't I go?! Besides, I want to do everything my people do. It saddens me that they won't bring me with them.

Oh dear. Oh dear.

OH DEER!!!! CAN I CHASE ONE NOW?!?!?! No?! Then why did you bring it up?! Oh wait... I brought it up. DEER!!!!! I LOVE DEER!!!!!!

Getting back to the point... Did I have a point? I haven't posted in so long I've forgotten how! Well, it's been very busy around here with these "holiday" things. I guess the most important thing to tell you is that I GOT A TON OF TREATS AND THERE HAVE BEEN KAYLEES AND REDHEADS AND EMERLEHS AND LEAHS RUNNING RAMPANT AND THE HOUSE GOT CLEANED AND THERE WAS A TREE (a tree??) SET UP IN THE LIVING ROOOM (we went out and tromped through mud and chopped it down and then they stuck it in the living room?) AND THERE WAS LOTS OF FOOD AND THAT FURRY JINGLY THING MOM GOT ME?! WELL IT WAS STUFFED WITH TREATS AND SQUEAKY THINGS!!!!!! I guess... Hmm. Well, I guess I'll just post some pictures! I love pictures!

Yes. She seriously put a bow on me. Thank goodness she forgot about the reindeer costume!!!

Nobody will admit to doing this.

So here's a rather late Merry Christmas to you! Oh, and a Happy New Year, too, whatever that means. All I know about the New Year is that that's when Emerleh and Eeeeelaina showed up and we went down to the dog park but it was really dark and there were no other dogs there and they started whooping and hollering "happy New Year". It really made no sense, even after thinking about for a couple days? Can anybody enlighten me?

MERREH CHRISTMAS!!! HAPPEH NEW YEAARR!!!!!