I will never understand.

I will never understand, and that's a fact. After all, I'm just a dog. And since I'm just a dog, how can you expect me to understand?

But it would be awfully nice if I did understand. Like, take my people. They don't make sense! They eat things with forks. Why don't they just shove their faces into it? But I suppose not everyone can have as nice a nose as I do.

People wear clothing. Now, I know that people don't have fur coats (and in weather like this, they should be glad of that) but why do they feel the need to wear clothing? If I had no fur, first of all, I'd look funny. (People have got that part mastered.) And I'd also not cover myself up with unnecessary layers. People don't chase rabbits. People don't play with sticks.

But the weirdest thing people do, the weirdest thing, is how they treat dogs. Brianna keeps calling me Snookie Oookum Pops and hugging me like I'm her best friend. (Hey, I am. She doesn't tell me secrets like Eeeeeloina or Emerleh but I don't exactly carry on a good conversation, so I guess that makes sense.) But right after she gets done calling me Snookie Ookum Pops she yells at me to stop jumping on the bed! Like, what's wrong with jumping on the bed? I like the bed. It smells like her and is comfy and covered in pillows and blankets. So why won't they share? Does it mean they don't love me? After all, I keep myself clean and don't chew up blankets. (Well, sometimes I dig holes in the yard and my paws get muddy. But I really don't chew blankets much. And I always clean my paws afterwards.) So why won't they let me on the bed?

WOOF WOOF WOOF

Oh deer me, have I really not written in a week? Well, I've been distracted. You see, there are rabbits! And other things! That move! All in the yard! And I'm so distracted!

But that's not really why I've been distracted. Crazy things happened this week! You know how I told you about the big dogs named Gemini and Judah? Well, I was at their house! But not just for a little bit. Mom and Dad and Brianna took me to their house and we went in and said hi and then they brought in my crate and blanket and food and even my tennis ball and treats and they put it all up and then they left. They LEFT! MY PEOPLE LEFT ME!!!

I have to admit, I wasn't terribly perturbed. I mean, I got to play with Judah for like, two days! He and I are best friends now!! (don't tell Sammy, he might be jealous.) But there was this awful wagging feeling inside me that my people had completely abandoned me. But all the people there were really nice (even though one of the boys about Brianna's age wouldn't give me the tennis ball and then he felt upset when I nearly took his hand off. Of course, that was accidental.)

Judah and I played. Nonstop. Gemini kind of tolerated us. She wasn't terribly friendly. But Judah and i are best friends!! and I was such a happy dog!! And the girls didn't want to give me back because they thought I was such a nice dog. Oh, but I love humanity.

And then my people came back! My people came back! They came back! And I still won't let them out of my sight!! I missed them!!! I'm just happy they came back to got me. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! When I went home, they gave me a toy! It's blue and Judah and Gemini didn't like it much. AND IT SQUEAKS!!!! IT SQUEAKS!!!! IT'S MY NEW MOST FAVORITE THING!!!!! IT SSQQQEEEEEEEKKKSSSS!!!!!!

MY LIFE IS AMAZZZINNNNGGGGGG I've just been so happy lately!!!!

Can you believe it?!

Do you know what my people did to me?! Well, I shouldn't say "my people" because it was all Mom's idea!! They took me to the dog park. Well, that was a lot of fun. It was all snowy and I played with lots of dogs and I actually didn't get dirty, which was unusual. But anyway. And then, and then, and then do you KNOW WHAT THEY DID?

I will tell you what they did! They took me to that place, the, um, the thing, what's it called? The pet shop, that's it! The place where the live rabbits are right next to the dog toys! Oh oh oh oh I love rabbits! They're so furry and chaseable and very evasive, which upsets me... But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. They didn't let me look at the rabbits (how unfair is that, I even asked for one for Christmas, and do you think I got one, nooo!) and they took me to the back of the store and gave me to a couple ladies who tied me up and put a thing on my nose and then attacked my paws and chopped off all my nails!! I can't believe anybody would be that cruel!!! It is SO NOT FAIR. One of the ladies even works at the doggie daycare!!! This is tyrannical and mean and VILE. I HATE having my nails clipped. In fact, I don't even like anyone touching my paws. Can you BELIEVE they actually did that to me?! I can't.

On the other hand, Emerleh showed up today. She stole my tennis ball, which seemed unkind to me. But she did throw it for me, which was nice of her.

Speaking of tennis balls... I only have one now. You know why? Because my favorite one disappeared. I was just starting to break it in -- it was all squishy and turning kind of brownish and the fabric was peeling away -- and then I finally got it open and chewed it up! I was proud of myself. And then I got put out on my line, and I swear, I wasn't out there more than ten minutes, and when I came back in, IT WAS GONE. I looked EVERYWHERE for it, but it was gone!! I'm pretty sure Brianna threw it out. How nasty is that? That's just plain low. If I threw out her purse, how would she feel? I mean, it's getting worn out, and I don't think she chews on it, but she does carry it everywhere. And If I threw it out, don't you think she might be upset? So why'd she have to go throw out my tennis ball?!

Church.

What is Church? My people leave me in my box every week the morning after Saturday to go to church. Now, I know church is about God. I love God! I like to sit on my line and look at the trees and the birds and the squirrels and the sky and bark to thank God for it, because it's just the best and He's the best! He made me furry so I'd stay warm in the winter, and he invented evaporational cooling so I'd stay cool in the summer. (That's just a peopley way of explaining why I like hanging my tongue out when I'm hot.) He made the birds and squirrels and deer and even cats (though sometimes I wonder why He thought this world needed cats. Eeeelaina would say I'm being racist, but who needs cats?!) and He made all the dirt for me to dig in and the water to play in and He even made my people who they are! Oh, and He made the redheads and people friends who THEY are, too! Why shouldn't I love Him and be thankful? He's the best! He gave me everything I need and more. He loves me even more than I love Him, and that's crazy! I mean, He doesn't give me tummy rubs or anything, but I know He loves me, and that's funny, because usually I need people to give me tummy rubs to make sure they love me.

So if I love God, and if God loves me, why don't they let me come to church? That's the place you go when you love God, right? So why can't I go?! It's frustrating! All I know about church is that it smells like food and people and floors and metal (I smelled Brianna's slippers, which are furry and look like small animals on her feet and she wears them to Church.) And it's upsetting me that I can't go, too!

It's not fair, I love God as much as all those people who go to church! So why can't I go?! Besides, I want to do everything my people do. It saddens me that they won't bring me with them.

Ahh yes, my rabbit.

It met a sad and tragic end -- my people say by me, but I say by them! It was in perfectly good shape (abet the head, which was nowhere to be found). And so my people had the cruelty to throw it out! This was all that remained.

A tragic picture, isn't it? The lack of wholeness in this picture echos the lack of wholeness in my heart.

My Christmas List!

Here is my Christmas list! It's kind of long... I am a very deprived puppy. And hey, Brianna put a diamond ring (or something like that) on her list, so why can't I put whatever I want on my list?

• Pink tennis balls! Green gets really boring.
• A big fluffy dog bed, like a really big one that's really fluffy. Not that I need another one...
• A RABBIT!!!
• A SQUIRREL!!!
• A DEER!!!
• A CAT!!!
• A BIRD!!!!!
• THE CHANCE TO RUN THROUGH THE WOOD FOREVER!!!!!!
• A buddy. Like, a four-legged furry one that barks and lives with me.
• A bright pink bandanna to match my bright pink collar. (well, Brianna wants to get me one of those, anyway.)
• FOOD. ALL THE FOOD. PEOPLE FOOD.
• Peanutbutter.
• Bacon cheese strips!!!
• A new stuffed rabbit. Mine met a disturbing end. I shall write about that later....
• A SQUEEEEEKY THING!!!!
• SQUEEKY TENNIS BALLS
• A redhead. To live with me. I miss them. =(
• A new leash! A pretty leash! A stylish leash!
• A sweater. (actually, I don't want one of those. My people are just threatening to buy me one for really cold days.)
• Rope toys! Preferably the preferable ones!
• License to jump on people.
• To be allowed to go through the garbage.
• Unlimited time at the dog park.
• Rawhide.
• To bark at things whenever I want. (My people are complaining I'm becoming too "barky". Stupid idea, barking is fun! Maybe I just get tired of not saying anything!)
• Those chewy bone thingies Mom bought me once. But only once. And they were really delicious.
• No more baths. Ever.
• Love. Lots and lots of love. <3

That's all I can think of right now! If I remember anything else, I shall add it. Now I'm off to go bark at nothing in particular.

Guard the house?

My people have this odd thing they say when they put me in my crate and leave me. They say: "guard the house, Carly." And then when they leave me in my crate in the car for awhile while they do something, they say "guard the car, Carly."

What does this mean? What is guarding something? Maybe I should Google it. Ok, here we go:

"noun: guard; plural noun: guards
1. watch over in order to protect or control.

2.

 a person who keeps watch, esp. a soldier or other person formally assigned to protect a person or to control access to a place."

Oooh, I get it! kind of...not really...I guess maybe...I'm not sure, I'm just a dog! When I adopted my people, they never told me I'd have to do anything! Especially to watch and protect something! On the other hand, I'm very good at watching things... I watch birds and rabbits and things out the window all day long......

But I guess they mean something else, because you know what Brianna said the other day? Somebody came to the door, and I just sat there wagging my tail and grinning and she said:

"You know, you could be a fierce watchdog and actually bark when someone comes to the door!"

Besides, everyone is my friend! Why would I bark at them for no reason other than the fact they were pulling into the driveway and coming up the steps?? It doesn't make sense!

I don't get it? Why would I need to bark at anybody?? Rabbits and birds and squirrels and deer (ooh, I get excited just thinking about it!!) and other dogs, too, but people?! I love everybody, the only person I bark at is Mom because I know she always puts me out on my line when I bark at her!

Christmas?

I keep hearing all this talk of something called "Christmas". What is this? It sounds like it's special. It also sounds like people by each other things. Grandma is already going shopping for me, I heard!

My people are all making something called a "Christmas List". This is why I think this Christmas thing must be about giving people things, because my people are putting EVERYTHING they want at all ever in the world on these lists!

Hey! Maybe I need to make a Christmas list, too! There are a lot of things I want... Like a real, a real, a REAL LIVE RABBIT TO CHASE UP AND DOWN THE YARD AND THROUGH THE WOODS!!!!!!! I really want one of those! They even sell them at the pet shop! I couldn't read the sign but I think it was near the dog toys!!

But then there would be the problem of GIVING gifts. What do my people really want? I mean, really, really want? I'm thinking another dog, (I could easily convince one of my buddies at the dog park to come home with me!) but when Brianna suggested it, Mom got kinda upset. I don't have any money or anything, and they aren't too happy with me when I drop tennis balls in their laps. I don't know why... Seems like a great gift to me!

There are a lot of things to think about when you're a dog.

Like why do birds fly? How does that work? Why can't I fly? It's not really very fair, is it? Why can't I sit on chairs and beds like people? Why can't I run like a rabbit? Why do I have a tail? Why do rabbits have tails?? Why don't people have tails?

Why are people like they are? Why are dogs like they are? Why aren't people like dogs and dogs like people? What makes one the other and other the one? Why am I not a person? Why is Brianna not a dog? Why do people have strange ideas? Why do Brianna's pants end up smelling like other dogs?

Why am I the only white dog at the dog park? Why am I the only one with a heart tag? Why am I not fluffy like other dogs? Why do neither Captain or Deuce really like me? Why can't I get a soulmate? Am I really lovable? Or am I just "overbearing"?

Why are redheads weird? Why is Eeeeeeelaina the weirdest? Why are she and Emerleh fun? Why does Sarah never seem excited to see me? Aren't I just the greatest dog in the world? And WHY does Sarah ALWAYS smell like cats?? That really bugs me!!! I want the cat she always smells like!!! I want to roll it in bacon and cheese and give it to Sammy!!!

I AM CRANKY.

I AM VERY CRANKY TODAY. I ran around barking and whining all afternoon because I felt like it. I am disgusted with these people, who are also very cranky. I had to be in my crate almost all afternoon because Mom and Brianna wanted to read a book. READ A BOOK. Seriously, does that make any sense at all?! Why would they want to read a book when they could be paying attention to me?! I'm upset. They call it "school" and Mom says I am going to be "a well educated dog". ICK. People have such stupid ideas. (At least Mom finally promised me that she wouldn't take me back to the pound.)

Then Brianna put on this big fuzzy brown thing that looked like a blanket. Mom called it a "bathrobe". I didn't like it. I barked and barked at her and tried to bite her until she took it off. And then I was fine again. I don't know why, I didn't like it. It made her look big and scary. She was mad at me because I ran around whining for like, half an hour, like I needed to go out, and then she took me out and I wandered around in circles for another fifteen minutes.

It doesn't help that after I started chasing my tail (that was right before they decided I needed to go into my crate) they started calling me Puppybutt. WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS THAT?! People are so stupid!!!!! Why do I bother with them?! I could have a glorious life out there, chasing rabbits all day. I could catch a seagull. I could eat bugs. I could do whatever I wanted, all day, every day! No more crate, no more baths, no more flea treatments or weird green things they stick in cheese to taint it, thinking that'll get me to eat it. No more getting yelled at for begging or jumping on the window or getting into the garbage or drinking out of the toilet.

I guess if I did run away and never come back, I wouldn't have a home, though. I guess I wouldn't get bacon cheese strips anymore, or even kibble... And nobody would rub my tummy... Or take me to the dog park... Or throw my tennis balls... Or play tug-of-war with me...

UGGGGG. I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! MAYBE I SHOULD GO BACK TO THE POUND!!!!!!!!

I think I know what it's like to love.

Today was doggie daycare! And after sitting here thinking for a long time, I figured something out. So here's what I figured out. 

I love being in the center of the pack. I love being the alpha dog. I love leading. I love it. I love running with other dogs. I love being a dog. I love being a popular dog. I love getting walks. I love it. Did I mention that I love loving things??

I love being loved. I love it when Brianna scratches my ears and gives me tummy rubs. I love it when Mom and Dad scratch my ears and give me tummy rubs. I love my tennis balls and I love it when people throw them. I love playing tug-of-war. I love it when I get bacon cheese strips. And peanutbutter. And cheese. And even just milkbones. And I love chewing rawhide and I love chewing my bones and I just love chewing.

I love chasing bugs. I love chasing rabbits. I love chasing cars. I love chasing tennis balls. I love chasing Brianna. I love chasing frogs and toads. I love chasing my tail. 

I love doggie day care. I love the park. I love playing in the park and playing at doggie day care. I love playing with dog friends. I love people friends. I love playing with people friends, like Eeeelaina and Sarah and Emerleh and Rachel. (I love redheads, too, actually. I just think they're weird.) I love coming home from a long day of playing with friends and always having Brianna and Mom and Dad to pet me and love me.

I love it when I get people food in my kibble. I love it when my people play with me. I love it when they tell me they love me and that I'm a silly dog. I love it when they take out my tennis balls and ropes and play with me. I love it when they give me a rawhide or a bone or even an ice cube. I love having people who love me. I love having a home. I love being loved. 

I love knowing that if I ever run away into the woods again, they'll still be there, calling my name. I love knowing that even if they give me baths they still love me. I love being their dog. I love them being my people. I love it when they take me for walks. I love it when Mom and Brianna come into doggie daycare to pick me up and I'm just soooo happy to see them!!! I love how my people never forget me.

I love how I don't need Captain or Deuce to make me happy. I love how I can be single. I love how I can be independent and I don't need to live for anyone else. I love being single. Relationships are often disastrous.

I love wogging. I love emailing with Sammy. I love checking my wog and seeing if anyone has read it. I love writing new posts, even though typing with paws is really hard.

I love being happy. I love being a dog.

I'm sad.

Last night I got laughed at because I was chasing my tail... Supposedly it was hilarious. I did not think so. It was not hilarious, I was upset. I kept seeing it move and I wanted it to stop but it wouldn't stop!! And even when I caught it it still moved and then it kept getting away and I was sliding around in circles on the kitchen floor trying to catch it. I was very perturbed. That was when Dad decided it would be a good idea to throw my tennis balls.

Today I was very bored. I slept all morning because I like sleeping in the morning. Brianna played with me and took me for a walk. Then she and Mom decided to read a book. They put out a rug for me on the living room floor but I didn't feel like sitting, so I wandered around the house and they got upset at me and put me in my crate so they could read their book. I felt sad. Maybe they don't love me as much as they love their book. I mean, they did smear peanut butter on my bone and gave it to me in my box, but maybe they don't like me. What if they take me back to the pound? Mom threatens sometimes, but would she really?? I'm scared.

I want to go chase a rabbit.

Ahh, the things that happen during mid-afternoon Friday naps.

I'm running, running, running through the woods. The rabbit, it's right there, right in front of me. I'm almost on it, almost there, almost, almost, almost... It stops, I pounce, it's gone! It's gone! I let it get away! NOOOOO!!!!

But there's Captain, right beside me! He's here! He's going to help me chase the rabbit! Or... Something.

He leans over and licks my face. "I missed you," he murmurs in my ear.

"I missed you, too," I sigh.

"Let's go," he says. And we run off through the woods. Suddenly, a squirrel!

Captain lets out a war howl and we're off! Gaining, gaining, gaining on it. Over bushes, rocks, mud puddles. Almost on top of it. Captain leaps around and corners it.

"All yours," he says, smiling. Such a gentledog...

I grab the squirrel in my teeth and head back for home. I hear them calling for me. "Carly! Caarr-leeeee!!! Where are you? Come baaaaackk!!!"

Sudden laughter wakes me up. "You are such a silly dog! Your feet are moving!" Mom and Brianna are laughing hysterically. "Your feet are up in the air and you're trying to run!"

"Come on," Mom says, smiling, to Brianna. "You need to take El Doggo for a walk."

I sit upright, blinking at them. Once I'm out in the yard I stand still and sniffed the air. If only dreams came true.

Yesterday was almost really fun.

It was kind of boring at first. I got to play with Mom and Brianna and then they had to go someplace so I had to stay in my crate for awhile. Then they got back and I chewed a rawhide. It was delicious. Then Dad got home. He went outside with my tennis balls and played with me, then he took the tennis balls away because I was burying one in my favorite hole. Then they were upset because I was covered in mud. It's been raining on and off for a week. So they decided it would be a good idea to hose me off.

I HATE water. I HATE it. I just hate it. For real.

I don't know how it happened. I guess when Dad put me on my leash, he accidentally clipped the wrong ring. There's a ring on the collar that has another little ring hooked to it. The little one has my tags and my leash goes on the big one. I saw Brianna with the hose and I didn't want what I knew was coming. She started spraying my legs, which were covered in mud. So I jumped away. When I did that, it broke. My tags went flying. I started running. It was a few seconds before I realized what was wrong. Wait a minute... I'm not on my leash!!!

So I dashed off into the woods to chase rabbits. I had a jolly good time. I almost forgot about my people. But not quite. In the back of my mind I heard them calling my name and I knew I was in trouble now.

I ran around in the woods for like, an hour. It was the most fun I've had in a long time -- at least, then it was fun. I kept hearing Dad and Brianna calling my name. Brianna didn't sound right, either. I started getting a little worried.

I was all the way over in the neighbor's woods at this point. I saw them standing in the lawn, talking to the guy who lives next door. I felt a little bad. After the neighbor walked away, they started coming towards the woods. I popped out of the trees. I saw Brianna holding my favorite toss toy, the blue and green and yellow rope with the green rubber ball on it. She bent down and called "come here, Carly! I have your toy!!!" I wondered if she was still mad at me. Why else would she be spraying me with water if she wasn't mad at me? I almost didn't go. But she didn't have a hose with her or a bucket or anything. So I bounded forward to get to the toy. I dashed by her to Dad and then back to her. I stuck my nose against her legs. She'd been crying. She clipped my collar on. That was the end of my freedom. But I felt very bad about it. Were they still mad at me?

A little, I guess. I was covered in mud, they claim. I wasn't covered in mud, I was just de-vanilla-oatmealifying myself. So they took me inside and put me in the bathtub and scrubbed me down. They shampooed me at least three times. I watched the brown water run down the drain and wondered miserably why they were making me yucky again. At this rate, I'll NEVER be able to smell natural!!! Even worse, Dad claims they didn't actually get all the dirt out of me.

Then they dried me off and I had to go in my crate while they ate dinner. They were still kind of mad at me, I think. But after dinner they played with me and actually brushed my teeth. At first, I was a little mad. But the toothpaste is poultry flavored and actually really good.

And then I... Well, it's embarrassing. I had an accident on the den floor. They were all mad at me all over again. Then Brianna went to take me outside and I didn't want to sit to put the leash on. Even Dad lost it. He yelled at me until I sat.

I was very sad. I still am. I had an early bedtime. I'm afraid my people don't love me anymore. Today I'm just very sad. I think my people don't love me anymore.