I'm the best dog ever.

I'm the best dog ever! That's so obvious, everyone knows it. You know why I'm the best dog ever? I'm strong, ferocious, furry, cute, lovable and extremely determined.

THERE WAS A DEER. THERE WAS A DEER STANDING BY THE TREE ON THE NEIGHBOR'S SIDE OF THE FIELD. AND I WANTED THAT DEER. OH BUT I REALLY WANTED THAT DEER.

I was on my line, so I decided to go get the deer. My line is attached to a big piece of round metal called a wheel rim and it just sits in the lawn and I can't get it away. Well, I'm not supposed to be able to get it away. But I REALLY WANTED THAT DEER. So I draaaaggged my line. I dragged it all the way through the front lawn and across the driveway and halfway through the field and then the deer ran off. After all that, the deer ran off! I was, however, extremely pleased with myself. Well, who wouldn't be? I got all the way across the yard and even left tracks in the grass to prove it! I should win some kind of award. Unfortunately, dogs don't ever get awards.

The Party!

There was a party here on Saturday! Like I said, there was a party! It was a big party. It wasn't the crazy kind of party, though. It was the family kind of party. There was Mom and Dad and Jared and Brianna and Rory and Kayley and Grandma and Aunt Denny and Keith and Dorothy! And me! I was the only dog, although Denny and Grandma always smell like another dog.... I really, really, really like Aunt Denny. Last time she was over, Dad scolded her for feeding me cookies under the table. I don't know why, I really liked it.....

I spent most the day on my line, which was ok, because everyone else spent it on the porch. They had all this delicious food. It was a picnic party, you see. I guess it was some kind of holiday. And they even put bacon grease on my dog food!! (BEST DOG FOOD EVER!!) Even Grandma gave me bits of cookie!

I heard everyone talking after they were done eating. I was still on my line. Brianna said to Denny "where are you going?" and she said "to pet the dog" and Rory said "why do you have a hot dog in your hand?" and Denny said "oh, it's just my hot dog, I'm going to eat it" and then Brianna scolded her and I'm not sure why but DENNY GAVE ME THE HOT DOG!!! THE WHOLE HOT DOG!!!!! Do you see why I just LOVE Denny?? But why was she lying? When she came back up on the porch, she announced to all and sundry that she had dropped her hotdog. Keith said "did it hit the ground?" and she said "nope". Boy but that hot dog was tasty. On the other hand, do you suppose eating hot dogs is wrong? Is that cannibalistic of me? I'm not sure I care...

But then I didn't have much fun after that. You see, Jared and Keith and Brianna and Rory stood in the driveway and they threw these things into the driveway and they would blow up! They shot off all this smoke and made this huge noise. I wanted to bark, but I ran and hid in the bushes on the side of the front yard. It was so scary, when Brianna came out with a leash to bring me in, I wouldn't come out of the bushes until she picked up my stick and held it out. Then she gave me a hug and I was scared and shaking all over and I didn't want to go near the big noise but she took me inside anyway and I hid under the desk. But then after Dad sat on the floor with me for awhile and then put me in my box where I was safe, I was ok.

Other than that, the day was amazing! OH BUT I JUST LOVE EVERYONE AND I LOVE SUMMER AND I LOVE THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!!!

BEST. WEEKEND. EVER.

THIS WAS THE BEST. WEEKEND. EVER. OH MY GOODNESS YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?! BRIANNA HAD A PARTY.

I love parties! I love parties so much! She had Sarah and Leah and Emerleh and Eeeeeelaina over and they didn't play with me much but they took me on a WALK. And you know why the walk was exciting? It was NIGHT. You know what else? Rory was here! I just love everyone.

You know what else? People don't think I know what's going on, but ohhh.... When you have five teenage girls hanging around, you know what happens? They talk. In fact, nothing short of an explosion can get them to shut up. And even then that doesn't work. They talk and talk and talk and since I'm a dog, I don't talk. And you know what that means? That means I listen.

Oh, but I listen. I listen to all their secrets. I listen when I'm in bed and they sit in the kitchen keeping me up. I listen when I'm out on my line and they won't shut up and you can hear them out the window. I listen when they walk me and talk and talk and talk while half of them run backwards. That's how much girls talk. They talk so much that once everyone's gone home Brianna calls Eeeeeelaina up and the two of them talk for two more hours about everything everyone has already talked about. Sometimes it gets tiring, honestly.

The most common thing they talk about is boys. Boys! Of all the things to talk about, they talk about boys?! What is wrong with that?! They could throw a tennis ball around or chase rabbits or even chew on things but they talk about BOYS?! What do boys even matter? They're just like girls only smellier and they eat less and talk less. (Girls eat so much food, there's always food hanging about and they never give me any of it.) Boys talk much less. I don't even really know any teenage boys. But they're sure not worth talking about for more than a few minutes.

But I suppose maybe.... Never mind, just thinking about Sammy and Judah, sorry. It's so conflicting, this whole boy thing.

oh no.

Oh no. I'd say I'm not a happy dog, but I really am a happy dog. And I'm not a very good liar. So I'll just say oh no.

You know, I was having a fantastic life. I haven't had a bath in like, a month, because Brianna keeps brushing me. I was with Judah and Gemini over the weekend. I've been to the dog park twice! And doggie daycare yesterday! Eeeeeelaina came over last week. And it was all going great! AND THEN MY PEOPLE WENT AND RUINED THAT.

You know, they fooled me. I was convinced, I tell you, I was CONVINCED that we were going to the dog park today when I got into the car. But you know where we came out? That really interesting smelly place where there are rabbits and squeaky toys and lots of crinkly bags that smell good! And I can't think of what it's called, oh, yes, the pet store. And you know what? They didn't even stop to peruse the squeaky toys and when I pressed my nose against the glass to watch a chinchilla, they told me no! And you know where they took me? To the back. To the funny room where they tied me up!! They tied me up and they had to have three ladies hold me down and they clipped my nails! And also cleaned my ears! AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN GIVE ME A TREAT. WHAT EVILNESS IS THIS?

I'm very good and disgruntled. And you know what I've always maintained. One should always keep their dog good and gruntled.

But I suppose I really can't complain because then they gave me a yummy treat and took me to the dog park. Other than today I've been having an excellent time tromping through fields on my line and barking at birds and playing with sticks and getting wet in the pool at the park and daycare and sleeping a lot. I'm awfully happy. Do you realize my people have had me for nearly a year? I can't believe it.

The mud pit -- er, dog park.

Brianna went to church and didn't come back! Then tonight she brought Emerleh in, so I suppose she must have spent the day with her, but that upset me, because that means she was cheating on me because she smelled like Sable, Brian's dog. and CATS. SHE SMELLED LIKE CATS!!!! SHE SMELLED. LIKE CATS. OH MY GOODNESS, BRIANNA SMELLED LIKE CATS!!!!! I practically had a heart attack. I love cats. I mean, I LOVE CATS. Don't even get me started. I ADORE cats.

So Brianna was gone all day, but it was ok, because Mom and Dad took me to the dog park. It was so much fun!! I played in the mud puddles! and then they wouldn't let me into the house.... So I had to stay out on my line and get hosed off before they'd let me in.

  

And then I got a bath. A vile, vile, bath. Dad had to shampoo me three times. It was horrid. Not just that, but I got a flea treatment after that, too!! Can you believe these people?! What is wrong with them?! Torturing a poor, innocent doggy like me like this. Doesn't that face just melt your heart?! You know it does........

Can you believe it?!

Do you know what my people did to me?! Well, I shouldn't say "my people" because it was all Mom's idea!! They took me to the dog park. Well, that was a lot of fun. It was all snowy and I played with lots of dogs and I actually didn't get dirty, which was unusual. But anyway. And then, and then, and then do you KNOW WHAT THEY DID?

I will tell you what they did! They took me to that place, the, um, the thing, what's it called? The pet shop, that's it! The place where the live rabbits are right next to the dog toys! Oh oh oh oh I love rabbits! They're so furry and chaseable and very evasive, which upsets me... But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. They didn't let me look at the rabbits (how unfair is that, I even asked for one for Christmas, and do you think I got one, nooo!) and they took me to the back of the store and gave me to a couple ladies who tied me up and put a thing on my nose and then attacked my paws and chopped off all my nails!! I can't believe anybody would be that cruel!!! It is SO NOT FAIR. One of the ladies even works at the doggie daycare!!! This is tyrannical and mean and VILE. I HATE having my nails clipped. In fact, I don't even like anyone touching my paws. Can you BELIEVE they actually did that to me?! I can't.

On the other hand, Emerleh showed up today. She stole my tennis ball, which seemed unkind to me. But she did throw it for me, which was nice of her.

Speaking of tennis balls... I only have one now. You know why? Because my favorite one disappeared. I was just starting to break it in -- it was all squishy and turning kind of brownish and the fabric was peeling away -- and then I finally got it open and chewed it up! I was proud of myself. And then I got put out on my line, and I swear, I wasn't out there more than ten minutes, and when I came back in, IT WAS GONE. I looked EVERYWHERE for it, but it was gone!! I'm pretty sure Brianna threw it out. How nasty is that? That's just plain low. If I threw out her purse, how would she feel? I mean, it's getting worn out, and I don't think she chews on it, but she does carry it everywhere. And If I threw it out, don't you think she might be upset? So why'd she have to go throw out my tennis ball?!

Church.

What is Church? My people leave me in my box every week the morning after Saturday to go to church. Now, I know church is about God. I love God! I like to sit on my line and look at the trees and the birds and the squirrels and the sky and bark to thank God for it, because it's just the best and He's the best! He made me furry so I'd stay warm in the winter, and he invented evaporational cooling so I'd stay cool in the summer. (That's just a peopley way of explaining why I like hanging my tongue out when I'm hot.) He made the birds and squirrels and deer and even cats (though sometimes I wonder why He thought this world needed cats. Eeeelaina would say I'm being racist, but who needs cats?!) and He made all the dirt for me to dig in and the water to play in and He even made my people who they are! Oh, and He made the redheads and people friends who THEY are, too! Why shouldn't I love Him and be thankful? He's the best! He gave me everything I need and more. He loves me even more than I love Him, and that's crazy! I mean, He doesn't give me tummy rubs or anything, but I know He loves me, and that's funny, because usually I need people to give me tummy rubs to make sure they love me.

So if I love God, and if God loves me, why don't they let me come to church? That's the place you go when you love God, right? So why can't I go?! It's frustrating! All I know about church is that it smells like food and people and floors and metal (I smelled Brianna's slippers, which are furry and look like small animals on her feet and she wears them to Church.) And it's upsetting me that I can't go, too!

It's not fair, I love God as much as all those people who go to church! So why can't I go?! Besides, I want to do everything my people do. It saddens me that they won't bring me with them.

On the other hand...

There ARE downsides to having a forever family, I suppose. Brianna is threatening to put a bow on my collar. But that's not all! She's talking about dressing me up as a reindeer! Now, I didn't know what that was, but I googled it and I know I do NOT want to be dressed up as one!!!

On the other hand, they feed me and give me treats and I have comfy pillows and a warm, cozy box, and a line that I can stay out on and tromp through the flowerbeds and bark at things on. And they take me to the dog park and give me bacon cheese strips sometimes. And they take me for walks and play games with me. And they won't let me on the furniture, and they do yell at me a lot to get out of the garbage, but I guess the good things outweigh the bad parts.

But really. Seriously? A reindeer?! What is she THINKING?! I'm a DOG for heaven's sakes!!!

Guard the house?

My people have this odd thing they say when they put me in my crate and leave me. They say: "guard the house, Carly." And then when they leave me in my crate in the car for awhile while they do something, they say "guard the car, Carly."

What does this mean? What is guarding something? Maybe I should Google it. Ok, here we go:

"noun: guard; plural noun: guards
1. watch over in order to protect or control.

2.

 a person who keeps watch, esp. a soldier or other person formally assigned to protect a person or to control access to a place."

Oooh, I get it! kind of...not really...I guess maybe...I'm not sure, I'm just a dog! When I adopted my people, they never told me I'd have to do anything! Especially to watch and protect something! On the other hand, I'm very good at watching things... I watch birds and rabbits and things out the window all day long......

But I guess they mean something else, because you know what Brianna said the other day? Somebody came to the door, and I just sat there wagging my tail and grinning and she said:

"You know, you could be a fierce watchdog and actually bark when someone comes to the door!"

Besides, everyone is my friend! Why would I bark at them for no reason other than the fact they were pulling into the driveway and coming up the steps?? It doesn't make sense!

I don't get it? Why would I need to bark at anybody?? Rabbits and birds and squirrels and deer (ooh, I get excited just thinking about it!!) and other dogs, too, but people?! I love everybody, the only person I bark at is Mom because I know she always puts me out on my line when I bark at her!

THIS WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!

I THINK THIS WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!! It was something called a "holiday" but I don't know what that means.

They put me out on my lines a few times for a little while, and it was cold and snowy and wonderful out there! I don't know why, but my people have been cooking. All day. And there is a LOT of food! And they gave me some of it!!! They put squash in my food and Brianna let me lick off a greasy paper plate with sausage and I got MEAT!!!!! TURKEY MEAT!!!!!! And a lot of it, too! It was seriously the best day of my life. Especially because Kayley came over for awhile! And because there was FOOD!!!!!!!! THERE WAS FOOD!!!!!!!!!! LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF FOOD!!!!!!

And so then after eating all that food, Mom and Dad and Brianna and Jared watched a movie about lots of ladies wearing a lot of funny hats and I slept on my pillow. It was seriously amazing.

Today I was a puppybutt. HAH HAH HAH.

This morning I made a general nuisance of myself until Mom put me on my line. I knew it was out there because Dad went out into the side field and screwed it in earlier. So I was out there and I PULLED IT OUT OF THE GROUND!!!! HAHAHAHAH YES I REALLY DID, I GOT AWAY TWICE IN ONE WEEK!!!!!!!

However, I quickly got rather snarled in the woods. I have GOT to figure out how to not get the line tangled when I get it out of the ground. After awhile, Brianna showed up and started to untangle me. She was very angry at me and kept yelling that I was a bad dog and to stop walking in the wrong direction. Wrong direction? Is there such a thing when you're in the woods?

She finally got me out and then pushed her way out of the woods, where Mom grabbed my collar and unclipped the line. Then Brianna grabbed my collar and started trying to drag me towards the house. I sat on the ground and glared at her because I was quite angry. Really, unless I'm barking, there is no need to go gallivanting through the woods to find me. She finally just picked me up and carried me partway, then set me down again and grabbed my collar. They were both yelling at me that I was a bad dog. She kept dragging me but I refused to move, hah hah. And then she picked me up AGAIN and carried me inside. It was humiliating, actually, so I ran right into my box and hid. They left me in there for awhile, then Mom came and let me out. Brianna glared at me and kept telling me she was still mad at me. Then she went away.

Then I made MOM really mad by persistently jumping on her! Because I really wanted to go back out on my line! It was a lot of fun, but she was not happy. She yelled at me. Then Brianna got out the leash and I thought "OH SHE'S GOING TO TAKE ME OUT OH OH OH" but then she put the leash on me and started walking... The wrong way!!! Through the kitchen!!! Well, I knew what was going to happen. So I sat on the floor and glared at her and refused to move. Then Mom poked my butt and I had to move. So then I decided I had JUUUUST been intending to take a nap on my pillow in the living room! So I lied down and that made Mom and Brianna rather annoyed. She finally dragged me into the bathroom and shut the door and I KNEW I was in for it.

Yes. She gave me a bath. It was horrible, especially when she laughed at me for rolling around frantically on the bathroom rug trying to get that disgusting water stuff off me.

THEN she brushed me. That was ok. And everything was ok, only Mom and Brianna were still mad at me because I was supposedly "under their feet". (I do not understand this concept, the floor is under their feet.) Then Brianna got out this sort of kind of roundeshy box thing with an odd sort of stick coming out of it. It was very large and she made lots of noises with it! I was terrified so I barked at her and hid under the computer desk.

I was SOOOO HAPPY when Dad got home because he wasn't mad at me and he PLAYED with me!!!! And so everything was right in the world again. Until tonight when I was sleeping on my pillow in the den and I was rudely awakened to Brianna smearing flea treatment up my back!!! I HATE that, this means I won't be aloud to go to the dog park tomorrow or have ANY FUN AT ALL. Don't people GET it?! Apparently not. And they call ME a PUPPYBUTT. I would call THEM PEOPLEBUTTS if that made sense, which it does... Just not to anybody but me.

I ESCAPED!!!!!!!

I ESCAPED I ESCAPED I ESCAPED OOH I AM SO PROUD OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

You see, this morning I was out on my line. Well, I don't even really remember what it was, but I saw something and I lunged to go chase it. My collar broke! I was overjoyed! I ran and ran and ran and I don't even know how long or far! But I was really tired after that and really hot and extremely pleased with myself.

I heard the whistle in the distance... And I started for home. But she stopped blowing it and so I just stood there in someone's yard. And then I saw the van! Mom had come to rescue me! She opened the driver's door and let me just hop right in, which she has NEVER done before! Brianna was running up the road and hopped into the front seat. So I sat there in between the seats and hung my tongue out and they accused me of looking very pleased with myself. Well, who wouldn't be?!

And that was bad enough, them accusing me of looking pleased with myself. But THEN they told me I had made them late for something (I don't know what, who cares!) and that since I had had such a run I must not need to go to the dog park!!! What kind of logic is that?!?! CRAZY. CRAZY CRAZY PEOPLE. So I DIDN'T go to the dog park!!! It wasn't fair!!!

On the other hand, they did buy me a new collar, which is super sturdy and not prone to break (sigh). All the connecty pieces are metal and the rest is like this uber heavy plastic stuff. (sigh) But it's very stylin and gorgeous. It's neon pink and so brings out the tone of my fur and skin. It's lovely, I will post a picture sometime.

We went to Grandma's today!

Well, so we all went out to Grandma's today. Dad put my line in the ground. I had a lot of fun! I lay in the grass and barked at a noxious teenager who was wandering around with a cellphone and I chased sticks and ropes that Dad and Brianna threw! And the CRAZIEST thing happened! I saw the BIGGEST DOG IN THE WORLD!!! It went by and I was upset because it was hooked up to like a box thing and there were two people in it wearing big hats! And it's toenails were really loud on the pavement for some reason. It totally ignored me and just walked by!!! I was horrified! It was a HUGE dog!!! But I was also horrified because it was pulling a big cart thing and it wasn't even protesting. It was also taller than Brianna!!! I wanted to play with it SOOOOOOMUUUCCHH!!!!! But noooooo they wouldn't let me. =(

Oh! Oh! Oh my gosh!!

This morning was SO MUCH FUN!!!!!! I wanted to go play with the birds in the yard. So I bothered Mom and Brianna until they put me out on my line! And then they went to read a book and totally didn't notice when I pulled the stake out of the ground and went running through the woods! I was just getting started having fun and then suddenly I couldn't go anywhere because I was still dragging my line and it was all tangled around some bushes in the woods behind the backyard. That's when I started barking.

Somewhere off in the distance I heard Brianna yelling "she's not there!!!" and Mom going "WHAT?!?!" and then "Get your whistle!!!" I barked. A minute later I heard the whistle and barked again.

"I think she's stuck in the woods," said Mom. "Go get dressed!!!"

A minute later I heard the whistle again. I kept barking. Brianna kept blowing the whistle. She walked down the driveway blowing the whistle and yelling "CARLY!!!" I was a little out of breath, so I didn't bark for awhile. She sounded more and more desperate.

"CAR-LEEEEEE!!!!!" I started barking again. I guess she finally deducted that I was somewhere around the vicinity of the backyard. I heard her walking through it and yelling and blowing the whistle. I kept barking. And then I saw her!

"Car-leee," she groaned. I was very pleased with myself. I mean, I was smart enough to bark until I got myself untangled, wasn't I?! I guess my happiness showed on my face because she looked awfully angry as she called for Mom to bring the leash and started thwacking through the bushes. Mom came out and tossed her the leash. Then she put me on the leash and immediately yelled at me as I tried to go running through the woods some more.

She tripped back through the woods (she claims that tromping through the woods is one thing, tromping through the woods with an excited dog is an entirely different matter) and gave Mom the leash. Then Mom yelled at me for pulling! She took me inside and tried to wipe my paws (which I don't like, seeing as my paws are very personal and if I deem them dirty, I will lick them, but if I do not deem them dirty, they don't need cleaning) while Brianna got the line. Then she dropped it in a lump on the porch and came in.

"And she just had her flea treatment!" exclaimed Mom. "Oh well, at least she didn't get dirty."

"You look entirely too pleased with yourself," said Brianna.

Then they promptly banished me to my crate for the next fifteen minutes.

Well, I was pleased with myself! After successfully pulling your line out of the ground and running off into the woods and then being neatly rescued thanks to being smart enough to bark, wouldn't you be pleased with yourself?! I bet you would!