Something's afoot.

Although if it happened to be multiple somethings, would that mean that somethings were afeet? Anyways, I know what's going on. It's almost Christmas. I know it's almost Christmas because it's been cold and snowy and Brianna's playing Christmas music. I also know that my Mom brought home a bag that simply reeked of tennis balls the other day, and they won't give any of them to me. I also know that my people took me on a walk where everything smelled very interesting and Dad lied down on the ground and knocked over a big tree and now that tree is standing in the living room. I'm contemplating drinking the water that it's standing in. There's also a lot of that crinkly paper laying about, and lots of lights strung up.

But you know what REALLY tells me it's Christmas? The food. There's so much food happening. Brianna's been using food like crazy. She stirs things up in bowls and pans and puts them in the big black box in the kitchen that's hot. She and Mom always tell me to get away because it's hot. Actually, she's been telling me to get away from her cooking a lot lately, although I'm not quite sure why... She could at least share some.

Mom was out today, and Brianna was cooking again. I was standing there, looking at her. She had just dropped a cookie on the floor, and I was hoping for another one, but she told me I'd gotten my treat and to go away, so I lied down next to the sink. She was washing dishes and the big metal bowl she mixes up stuff in but that looks a lot like a really large dog dish was sitting on the edge of the counter. It was empty, and she'd just finished putting the stuff in it on the big flat metal things. There wasn't much room on the counter, I guess, because of all the big flat metal things she had out. I'm not sure what was happening, because I was asleep, but I woke up when the very large dog dish bowl fell of the counter on top of my head. I ran away and hid in my box until Dad got home, even though she apologized profusely for it falling on me. I'm just confused.

I'M LEGAL!

I'm a completely legal dog now! Mom renewed my dog license for three more years! Which means that I'm legal for three more years and also that I'm not going back to the pound. Security is a nice feeling. You know, it's a very nice feeling to know you belong. It's quite possibly the best feeling in the world when someone loves you.

You know what else is a nice feeling? Looking pretty. More specifically, new jewelry. Last week I got my shots, which wasn't fun. But they gave me a new tag for my shots! It's orange and nice and shiny right now, although very soon it won't be shiny in the slightest. Now I have four tags and I'll jingle even more. I like walking through the house because my toenails click and my tags jingle and I sound lovely and musical.

Speaking of music, Brianna was using that scary thing called a guitar again today. I hid in my box. It's just so loud. At least she didn't turn on the big black box in the corner of her room. I'm not sure what that big black box does, but she takes this long leash thing and sticks it in the guitar and the other end in the box and then these huge, awful noises come out of it. It's like the radio only much less radioish.

Mom called me Carlotta tonight. What does this even mean?! At least they don't call me Bonquiqui anymore. Or Wigglebutt. Well, sometimes they still do.... It's quite offensive, if you ask me.

Do you ever wonder why people don't have tails?

Well, I knew something was afoot (what a strange word, why would you only have one foot?) this morning when Dad was home this morning. And then he and Mom left, and Brianna got out the thingy that makes all the noise that you run back and forth over the floor -- that's it, the vacuum, that's what it's called. And she put me in my box and vacuumed the entire house. Like, the whole thing. And besides disrupting my midmorning nap, I went to all that work making the floors nice. It took me two weeks to get all those clumps of hair everywhere! In fact, in the den it was so lovely that the entire carpet looked heathered. It was absolutely stunning, but she just HAD to go and CLEAN. Oh well, I always lose hair, so I'll always decorate the house....

And then I chewed on my favorite tennis ball all afternoon. Since it's my favorite, I pulled most of the fabric part off of it. It was tasty. Then I went out on my line and Dad made a lot of noise in the driveway and the next thing I knew he was sitting on this weird thing with two round wheel things and it was taking him down the driveway! I barked! And barked! And then he came back and I was confused.

Mom cooked hamburgers today. She wanted to give me one, but Dad and Brianna wouldn't let me have one. After dinner, the unthinkable happened. Dad put me on my walking collar and leash and took me for a walk. But then when we got inside he didn't take off the leash. He took of my pink collar, the one around my neck. I knew I was done for. I have maintained my dirty state for so long. Such a comforting place to be...

Brianna said "Carly, it's your night! You lucky dog!" and I knew at that moment that she was a terrible, terrible liar, so I ran into my box. She picked up the leash and a bag of treats and we went down to the bathroom. I tried to lie down on my pillow on the way, but she wouldn't let me. And I even gave Dad a really cute, sad look and rubbed my nose on his legs, but he wouldn't let me go, either! So I got a bath. At least Brianna gave me lots of treats. But then I came out and Dad had taken out my nice hair-encrusted rug and put in a clean blanket. I don't know how to feel about that. And now I'm clean. I don't know if I like being clean. I'm also quite undecided on how I feel about being clean.

They said I had to be clean for tomorrow. But I'm not sure what tomorrow is. Mom says it's a party. But what kind of party? And why? And I'm really excited at this idea. I love parties!

BEST. WEEKEND. EVER.

THIS WAS THE BEST. WEEKEND. EVER. OH MY GOODNESS YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?! BRIANNA HAD A PARTY.

I love parties! I love parties so much! She had Sarah and Leah and Emerleh and Eeeeeelaina over and they didn't play with me much but they took me on a WALK. And you know why the walk was exciting? It was NIGHT. You know what else? Rory was here! I just love everyone.

You know what else? People don't think I know what's going on, but ohhh.... When you have five teenage girls hanging around, you know what happens? They talk. In fact, nothing short of an explosion can get them to shut up. And even then that doesn't work. They talk and talk and talk and since I'm a dog, I don't talk. And you know what that means? That means I listen.

Oh, but I listen. I listen to all their secrets. I listen when I'm in bed and they sit in the kitchen keeping me up. I listen when I'm out on my line and they won't shut up and you can hear them out the window. I listen when they walk me and talk and talk and talk while half of them run backwards. That's how much girls talk. They talk so much that once everyone's gone home Brianna calls Eeeeeelaina up and the two of them talk for two more hours about everything everyone has already talked about. Sometimes it gets tiring, honestly.

The most common thing they talk about is boys. Boys! Of all the things to talk about, they talk about boys?! What is wrong with that?! They could throw a tennis ball around or chase rabbits or even chew on things but they talk about BOYS?! What do boys even matter? They're just like girls only smellier and they eat less and talk less. (Girls eat so much food, there's always food hanging about and they never give me any of it.) Boys talk much less. I don't even really know any teenage boys. But they're sure not worth talking about for more than a few minutes.

But I suppose maybe.... Never mind, just thinking about Sammy and Judah, sorry. It's so conflicting, this whole boy thing.

WOOF WOOF WOOF

Oh deer me, have I really not written in a week? Well, I've been distracted. You see, there are rabbits! And other things! That move! All in the yard! And I'm so distracted!

But that's not really why I've been distracted. Crazy things happened this week! You know how I told you about the big dogs named Gemini and Judah? Well, I was at their house! But not just for a little bit. Mom and Dad and Brianna took me to their house and we went in and said hi and then they brought in my crate and blanket and food and even my tennis ball and treats and they put it all up and then they left. They LEFT! MY PEOPLE LEFT ME!!!

I have to admit, I wasn't terribly perturbed. I mean, I got to play with Judah for like, two days! He and I are best friends now!! (don't tell Sammy, he might be jealous.) But there was this awful wagging feeling inside me that my people had completely abandoned me. But all the people there were really nice (even though one of the boys about Brianna's age wouldn't give me the tennis ball and then he felt upset when I nearly took his hand off. Of course, that was accidental.)

Judah and I played. Nonstop. Gemini kind of tolerated us. She wasn't terribly friendly. But Judah and i are best friends!! and I was such a happy dog!! And the girls didn't want to give me back because they thought I was such a nice dog. Oh, but I love humanity.

And then my people came back! My people came back! They came back! And I still won't let them out of my sight!! I missed them!!! I'm just happy they came back to got me. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! When I went home, they gave me a toy! It's blue and Judah and Gemini didn't like it much. AND IT SQUEAKS!!!! IT SQUEAKS!!!! IT'S MY NEW MOST FAVORITE THING!!!!! IT SSQQQEEEEEEEKKKSSSS!!!!!!

MY LIFE IS AMAZZZINNNNGGGGGG I've just been so happy lately!!!!

Guard the house?

My people have this odd thing they say when they put me in my crate and leave me. They say: "guard the house, Carly." And then when they leave me in my crate in the car for awhile while they do something, they say "guard the car, Carly."

What does this mean? What is guarding something? Maybe I should Google it. Ok, here we go:

"noun: guard; plural noun: guards
1. watch over in order to protect or control.

2.

 a person who keeps watch, esp. a soldier or other person formally assigned to protect a person or to control access to a place."

Oooh, I get it! kind of...not really...I guess maybe...I'm not sure, I'm just a dog! When I adopted my people, they never told me I'd have to do anything! Especially to watch and protect something! On the other hand, I'm very good at watching things... I watch birds and rabbits and things out the window all day long......

But I guess they mean something else, because you know what Brianna said the other day? Somebody came to the door, and I just sat there wagging my tail and grinning and she said:

"You know, you could be a fierce watchdog and actually bark when someone comes to the door!"

Besides, everyone is my friend! Why would I bark at them for no reason other than the fact they were pulling into the driveway and coming up the steps?? It doesn't make sense!

I don't get it? Why would I need to bark at anybody?? Rabbits and birds and squirrels and deer (ooh, I get excited just thinking about it!!) and other dogs, too, but people?! I love everybody, the only person I bark at is Mom because I know she always puts me out on my line when I bark at her!

Well, today I got in a lot of trouble.

You see, Mom and Brianna walked out of the room for five minutes and I just happened to smell something absolutely wonderful in the trash. It smelled wonderful. I'm not kidding. So, well, I took it out and took it into my box. I thought I could keep it a secret. But then Mom and Brianna came back out and Mom said "what has she got in her box?" and then started screaming and Brianna took it out and they both yelled at me and then washed all my bedding.

Seriously?! That huge of a reaction? What's the big deal? Can you think of a better use for a turkey carcass than to give it to me?!

TODAY!!!!!

Besides the fact that today I stayed in the car all day, it was really fun!!! Well, first of all, Mom got me up REALLY early. I mean, REALLLLY early. And then we got in the car. And when I got out I met ANOTHER DOG!!!!! I MET MAGGIE!!!!!! =D (I also found a spot. My people thought I was really smart to go right in the ditch.)

But I was cooped up in my crate all day. So that was sad. =( But I met Maggie, which was not sad! And I saw Leah! And it made me happy! And Dad took me to that place called "his office" and threw my tennis balls up and down the hallway!! =D

Monday. Monday monday monday.

Well this Monday 4H got canceled AGAIN. I'm really starting to miss all the treats. So I stayed in my crate at home all day. No dog park. What is wrong with my people?! :(

And Dad STILL isn't home yet!!! I'm freaking out, where IS he?! Did he leave me?! FOREVER?!?!?! Does he still love me?! What did I do to make him leave?! I'm so scared. :(((

The weirdest thing happened last night!

I was napping on my pile of pillows, right? Mom was sleeping in her big blue chair and Dad and Brianna were watching a movie. When I woke up, Brianna was grabbing my collar and leading me into my crate. Well, that good and woke me up! Why wasn't she putting me on my leash and taking me outside before putting me in my crate? This was weird.

And then she grabbed my jar of treats and leash and walked outside. She grabbed my jar of treats and my leash went outside! Without me! And then after awhile Dad came in. He had my other crate and he put it in the den. And then Brianna came back in and... I swear, she had another dog with her. She put the other dog into my spare crate and then Dad went back outside. I started whining and clawing at the door of my crate because I wanted to go play!!! So Brianna shut the doors to the den. I was horrified. What could be going on?!

Brianna went back out and then came back in a few minutes later with a strange guy, who picked up the other dog and took her out. And then she and Dad came back out and Mom reappeared and they let me out.

Well, I practically had a heart attack!!! My crate smelled like this other dog!!! It was definitely a bulldog of some kind... And it was a girl. And I was upset that I didn't get to meet her. I went into "power snurf mode" as my people call it.

SUPPOSEDLY Dad and Brianna heard this dog scratching at the door so they went out and it ran away and hid and they coaxed it out with treats and put it on my leash and then into my crate and then Dad went over to the neighbors and the neighbors were dogsitting and the dog got away so they came and got the dog who's name was SUPPOSEDLY Alaska. But I think that Brianna and Dad were cheating on me and they suddenly realized they were going to be in trouble so they went and got the neighbors to take the other dog for them. I think they don't love me anymore. =(

My one consolation is that they didn't give away the last of my bacon cheese strips. It was just my milkbones and training treats, thank goodness!

Oh! Oh! Oh my gosh!!

This morning was SO MUCH FUN!!!!!! I wanted to go play with the birds in the yard. So I bothered Mom and Brianna until they put me out on my line! And then they went to read a book and totally didn't notice when I pulled the stake out of the ground and went running through the woods! I was just getting started having fun and then suddenly I couldn't go anywhere because I was still dragging my line and it was all tangled around some bushes in the woods behind the backyard. That's when I started barking.

Somewhere off in the distance I heard Brianna yelling "she's not there!!!" and Mom going "WHAT?!?!" and then "Get your whistle!!!" I barked. A minute later I heard the whistle and barked again.

"I think she's stuck in the woods," said Mom. "Go get dressed!!!"

A minute later I heard the whistle again. I kept barking. Brianna kept blowing the whistle. She walked down the driveway blowing the whistle and yelling "CARLY!!!" I was a little out of breath, so I didn't bark for awhile. She sounded more and more desperate.

"CAR-LEEEEEE!!!!!" I started barking again. I guess she finally deducted that I was somewhere around the vicinity of the backyard. I heard her walking through it and yelling and blowing the whistle. I kept barking. And then I saw her!

"Car-leee," she groaned. I was very pleased with myself. I mean, I was smart enough to bark until I got myself untangled, wasn't I?! I guess my happiness showed on my face because she looked awfully angry as she called for Mom to bring the leash and started thwacking through the bushes. Mom came out and tossed her the leash. Then she put me on the leash and immediately yelled at me as I tried to go running through the woods some more.

She tripped back through the woods (she claims that tromping through the woods is one thing, tromping through the woods with an excited dog is an entirely different matter) and gave Mom the leash. Then Mom yelled at me for pulling! She took me inside and tried to wipe my paws (which I don't like, seeing as my paws are very personal and if I deem them dirty, I will lick them, but if I do not deem them dirty, they don't need cleaning) while Brianna got the line. Then she dropped it in a lump on the porch and came in.

"And she just had her flea treatment!" exclaimed Mom. "Oh well, at least she didn't get dirty."

"You look entirely too pleased with yourself," said Brianna.

Then they promptly banished me to my crate for the next fifteen minutes.

Well, I was pleased with myself! After successfully pulling your line out of the ground and running off into the woods and then being neatly rescued thanks to being smart enough to bark, wouldn't you be pleased with yourself?! I bet you would!

Oh my milkbones!

Has it really been almost a month since I wrote a post?! I am so sorry!!! You see, I haven't had hardly any time because Brianna has been working me like... Well, a dog!

Besides frequent trips to the dog park, the occasional noxious bath, sometimes seeing a redhead or other such wonderful person, being outside on my line most the day and sleeping soundly on my pillows the rest of the time, I guess I haven't done a lot. But... Well, this is the interesting news.

You see, as I have said before, Mom and Brianna and even Dad have agreed I need obedience training or they're taking me back to the pound. (Brianna actually had a horrible nightmare about Mom and Dad taking me back to the pound. She freaked out about it for like, a whole day.) So now Mondays are... Painful, actually.

You see, my average Monday looks like this. I might go out on my line in the morning if I beg to go out long and hard enough. And then Mom and Brianna get ready to go. They get dressed and put on their shoes and it's not to take me for a walk! Then they take me outside and instruct me to find a spot and if I don't then they get upset, but then they take me back inside and put me in my crate and leave me!! They leave me all alone for the whole afternoon!!! Like, from noon to 4:30 or so. Now, I know that isn't really that bad. I've talked to dogs at the daycare that on the days they don't go to daycare they have to stay in their crate from early in the morning until night, or end up being cooped up in a little kitchen or something all day. But in my case it isn't fair!!! Mom and Brianna are home with me pretty much all day every day. It's not fair that I have to stay home alone on Mondays!!!

But what's even less fair is this. Awhile after they get home in the afternoons, sometimes Brianna takes me for a walk. And then awhile after that, a car or van comes up the driveway. A nice guy who never scratches my ears is driving and there isn't a crate in the back. And in the front seat is a teenage guy who has a little fluffy dog named Sable on his lap. Sable never wants to play with me, and Brianna and Brian (Brian is the teenage guy) don't let us play anyway. And I have to sit on the floor or the seat and not in a crate and ride in the car! Which would be a lot more fun if I didn't have my walking collar on for the whole afternoon! The really odd thing is that the car or van always sort of smells like Emerleh, and Emerleh always smells like Sable. I don't get how that works...

And then once the car stops and we all get out, we go into this giant room that has a lot of chairs on one side, almost like they're going up the wall in a slope, and a big empty place with a floor covered in sawdust. And there are dogs and dogs and dogs and more dogs all over the place!!! But Brianna yells at me when I bark, and I can't pull on my leash and she won't let me go play!!!! And I have to sit on the ground, surrounded by other dogs while Brianna tells me to do things that don't make sense and gives me inordinate amounts of treats!!! Besides the treats, I really don't like it!! There's this one lady who smells like at least three different dogs who talks to Brianna a lot and even she yells at me for barking. She accused me of having a "hissy fit" yesterday! I was preeety mad.

And I guess what you call all this is obedience training. I sure don't like it at the moment. But everyone tells Brianna that it will get better. I think the part I like best is sitting up in those chairs after we're all done and watching the drill team and agility team practice. I really want to do that. I really want to be on the agility team. But Brianna says I can't do it until I've mastered basic obedience. I also really want to do the drill team. They won first prize at the state fair this year for dog drill team. (I don't know what that means, all I know is that it must be something really important because everybody talks about it!)

Anyway, after that ordeal was over, we get back into the car and I still can't play with Sable! And then they drop us at home and nobody else is home (I still haven't figured out where Mom and Dad go on Monday nights, I know Jared is at work and Rory is hither and thither and wherever, but I can't figure out where Mom and Dad go. Some sort of "meeting" or something.) So Brianna takes the key on her necklace and unlocks the door and we go in and I eat a bowl of food and drink a lot of water and then find something to chew on and then nap until it's bedtime. But last night was different.

It's always really hot in the "livestock pavilion" as they call it. So when we got out it was really nice and cool. And then they dropped us off at home and the porch light was on and they drove away as Brianna was fishing around in her pocket. I didn't know why she wasn't reaching for the key around her neck. I sat, waiting for her to open the door. But she just looked at me and sighed, and then sat down on a chair on the porch. I couldn't understand what she was doing. I wanted to chase bugs but she made me lie down and stay. She yelled at me a lot then, actually, when I wouldn't lie down. Then she got so mad she bopped me on the nose and then I lied down.

It was getting cold out. I mean, I have a fur coat, but I knew Brianna was getting cold. And then she got up and I got up and she walked me around in the grass and then walked over to the blue van which was driveway. For some reason, my crate was still in it. (Mom and Brianna loaded up Mom's van with random stuff and took my crate out and put it in Dad's van and were gone all Saturday and Dad took me to the dog park and I don't know why they haven't moved it back yet.) She put me in the crate and took off the walking collar (thank goodness!) and then got in the front seat. She blew her nose and sighed. I listened to her shifting around and blowing her nose and sighing for awhile. She kept turning on and off the light and poking around in the glovebox. I think she was really bored or something. And then she turned off the light and started messing with the controls on the front seat. She moved it forward and tilted the seat back so she could lie down, and then she moved it back away and put the seat up and sat there, tapping her fingers on the steering wheel. She even honked the horn a couple times. And then she started crying.

I was really confused. What was going on?! Why didn't we just go inside?!

After awhile longer, headlights came up the driveway and Mom and Dad and Jared all pulled in. Brianna got out of the car.

"What are you doing?!" Mom cried, sort of shocked. Brianna slammed the door and threw open the back hatch. I stood up and she put my leash and walking collar back on me.

"How long have you been waiting out here?" Mom sighed as Brianna started going up the walk.

"Since eight-thirty!" she cried, and then burst into tears again.

Well, I couldn't understand why she was being so emotional. I jumped on her but that didn't really help, I guess, because she just yelled at me and dragged me inside. Then she avoided me for the rest of the night. Actually, she avoided everybody.

I don't understand people. They are so fickle. Their emotions are so random. They have such strange ideas.

Dad

I love Dad. I mean, I really love Dad. I love Brianna and Mom and all my other people, but I really love Dad. I won't say I love him the best, but I sort of do sometimes... He sits on the floor with me and plays with me when he gets home from work at night. He plays tug-of-war with me. He throws my balls and ropes for me. And he doesn't yell at me when I jump on him, so I jump on him all the time. He also puts people food in my bowl more than Mom and Brianna. And he lets me pull on my leash and snurf as much as I want. I just really love Dad.

Maybe it was because he was the one that picked me up and shoved me into the crate in the back of the car when they brought me home. Or maybe it's cause he's gone all day and "absence makes the heart grow fonder". But all I know is I've loved him ever since he first walked into my kennel at the pound and sat on the floor with me. That was a long time ago, too.

I wish dogs could really cry. Like with tears.

I went to the dog park today. That was really fun. I played with a dog named Jake and a dog named Eloise! That was really fun! I got all dirty and it was WONDERFUL. I ran and ran and RAN AND RAN!!!! The afternoon went by so FAST!!!!

The only problem was, like I said, I got dirty. Well, that wasn't a problem. The problem was that they decided I needed a bath. But that wasn't the whole problem. The biggest part of the problem was that they decided they don't like my feet. They decided that my toenails weren't right. They decided they were too long. So they decided to clip them.

It. Was. AWFUL. I'm not kidding, it was horrible!!! Brianna did my back feet while Dad held me still, and that was bad, but not as bad as when Dad did my front paws. He clipped one too close and I yelped and it started bleeding and I hid in my crate and cried.

That was when they decided to give me the bath. That was ok, I guess. I had an accident on the floor after that. I felt really bad, but then Dad walked out into the living room and said: "Carly, did you do this?" and so I ran and hid in my crate. He's mad at me, I know it, he's mad at me. So is Brianna, that's why they clipped my toenails. I think even Mom must be mad at me, she dragged me out of my crate and put a pillow in there for me, and then put a blanket over it. But she MADE me get OUT. And Brianna took off my collar for the night. I feel so naked, like they abandoned me. I think they don't love me anymore and they're going to take me back to the pound. ='(

TO THE DAYCARE!!!!!

There were weird people on top of the house this morning. They all wore big funny hats and had a big truck and made a lot of noise, so I barked! Since I didn't want to shut up, Mom took me to doggie daycare. It was fuunnn! It was a nice, sunny day today and so we all romped and played. Like, I was tired from yesterday, but that didn't stop me from playing!

It was a little awkward, though. Since I usually go to daycare on Thursdays, I play with Thursday dogs, like Captain and Keera and Deuce. But today was Friday, so. I didn't really know anyone. I think they all thought I was weird.

I love doggie daycare, though, because my leash is at home and I can do whatever I want until 4p.m. naptime. And then I get a treat!

But it's a dog's life, for sure. Since I'd played hard for three days, my people claimed I was "dirty". I do not understand this concept of dirt. A dog is a dog. Dirt is not a relevant factor. So I was sleeping on my rug in the living room tonight, all curled up in a ball while Mom read a book to Brianna. And then Brianna got up and said "come on, Carly!" And I woke up and blinked at her because I was really tired.

Then Dad came out of the bathroom, and I knew. I just knew. So I stood up and Brianna reached for my collar, but I ran into the kitchen and hid in my box. Then all my people came out and started laughing (I'm not sure why). And then, of all the blatantly rude things to do, Dad reached into my box and pulled me out!!! And then he carried me like I was some kind of puppy into the bathroom!!! I was furious!!! Going and pulling your dog out of their crate is not a nice thing to do.

And so I got a bath. *growl snarl* I got covered in that icky vanilla oatmeal stuff and then rinsed. My one consolation is that they only shampooed me once so I still smell kinda doggie. And they washed my bedding yesterday, so it wasn't too bad. But STILL. BATHS. UGGGG.

I AM CRANKY.

I AM VERY CRANKY TODAY. I ran around barking and whining all afternoon because I felt like it. I am disgusted with these people, who are also very cranky. I had to be in my crate almost all afternoon because Mom and Brianna wanted to read a book. READ A BOOK. Seriously, does that make any sense at all?! Why would they want to read a book when they could be paying attention to me?! I'm upset. They call it "school" and Mom says I am going to be "a well educated dog". ICK. People have such stupid ideas. (At least Mom finally promised me that she wouldn't take me back to the pound.)

Then Brianna put on this big fuzzy brown thing that looked like a blanket. Mom called it a "bathrobe". I didn't like it. I barked and barked at her and tried to bite her until she took it off. And then I was fine again. I don't know why, I didn't like it. It made her look big and scary. She was mad at me because I ran around whining for like, half an hour, like I needed to go out, and then she took me out and I wandered around in circles for another fifteen minutes.

It doesn't help that after I started chasing my tail (that was right before they decided I needed to go into my crate) they started calling me Puppybutt. WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS THAT?! People are so stupid!!!!! Why do I bother with them?! I could have a glorious life out there, chasing rabbits all day. I could catch a seagull. I could eat bugs. I could do whatever I wanted, all day, every day! No more crate, no more baths, no more flea treatments or weird green things they stick in cheese to taint it, thinking that'll get me to eat it. No more getting yelled at for begging or jumping on the window or getting into the garbage or drinking out of the toilet.

I guess if I did run away and never come back, I wouldn't have a home, though. I guess I wouldn't get bacon cheese strips anymore, or even kibble... And nobody would rub my tummy... Or take me to the dog park... Or throw my tennis balls... Or play tug-of-war with me...

UGGGGG. I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! MAYBE I SHOULD GO BACK TO THE POUND!!!!!!!!

I'm very confused.

Well, today Mom and her friend Lisa took me for a walk outside this big place... I don't know what it was! It was really really weird! Mom and Lisa and some other people (there was another dog, too!) sat on these weird benches outside this big open space that would have been perfect to chase things in, only it was all glassed in. And we watched Brianna and one of her brunette friends, Lisa's daughter Sarah, (she's really nice and kinda weird, but much less so then Brianna, because Brianna has red highlights) go around in circles with all these other people I didn't know. Only... They weren't walking!!! It was so weird, they were wearing these weird shoes with round things on the bottoms and sliding all over the place. They weren't moving, only pushing their feet out and sliding, the shoes moved them all by itself!!! It was scary!!! I barked and barked so they took me out and walked me. We found a dog park!!! Mom didn't know about it, she was surprised. I didn't get to go in, but there were a lot of little dogs in there and they barked at me and I wanted to play!!! =(

And then... Well, Mom gave me some water and then some dinner and left it in my crate in a cheap red plastic bowl. I ate the food. And I was still hungry. So I decided to eat the bowl. It was quite delicious. And it was beautifully hole-filled when I was done with it. Like, almost the whole bottom was disconnected from the top, which was beautifully punctured. It was gorgeous. I was so proud of myself. But then Brianna and Mom got me out and found the bowl and yelled at me. And then they took it away and threw it out and didn't even take a picture so I could post it on my wog!!! I was so sad, I loved my bowl. It was just beautiful modern art. =/

Today was really fun!!!!!

I'm sad.

Last night I got laughed at because I was chasing my tail... Supposedly it was hilarious. I did not think so. It was not hilarious, I was upset. I kept seeing it move and I wanted it to stop but it wouldn't stop!! And even when I caught it it still moved and then it kept getting away and I was sliding around in circles on the kitchen floor trying to catch it. I was very perturbed. That was when Dad decided it would be a good idea to throw my tennis balls.

Today I was very bored. I slept all morning because I like sleeping in the morning. Brianna played with me and took me for a walk. Then she and Mom decided to read a book. They put out a rug for me on the living room floor but I didn't feel like sitting, so I wandered around the house and they got upset at me and put me in my crate so they could read their book. I felt sad. Maybe they don't love me as much as they love their book. I mean, they did smear peanut butter on my bone and gave it to me in my box, but maybe they don't like me. What if they take me back to the pound? Mom threatens sometimes, but would she really?? I'm scared.

I want to go chase a rabbit.

Yesterday was almost really fun.

It was kind of boring at first. I got to play with Mom and Brianna and then they had to go someplace so I had to stay in my crate for awhile. Then they got back and I chewed a rawhide. It was delicious. Then Dad got home. He went outside with my tennis balls and played with me, then he took the tennis balls away because I was burying one in my favorite hole. Then they were upset because I was covered in mud. It's been raining on and off for a week. So they decided it would be a good idea to hose me off.

I HATE water. I HATE it. I just hate it. For real.

I don't know how it happened. I guess when Dad put me on my leash, he accidentally clipped the wrong ring. There's a ring on the collar that has another little ring hooked to it. The little one has my tags and my leash goes on the big one. I saw Brianna with the hose and I didn't want what I knew was coming. She started spraying my legs, which were covered in mud. So I jumped away. When I did that, it broke. My tags went flying. I started running. It was a few seconds before I realized what was wrong. Wait a minute... I'm not on my leash!!!

So I dashed off into the woods to chase rabbits. I had a jolly good time. I almost forgot about my people. But not quite. In the back of my mind I heard them calling my name and I knew I was in trouble now.

I ran around in the woods for like, an hour. It was the most fun I've had in a long time -- at least, then it was fun. I kept hearing Dad and Brianna calling my name. Brianna didn't sound right, either. I started getting a little worried.

I was all the way over in the neighbor's woods at this point. I saw them standing in the lawn, talking to the guy who lives next door. I felt a little bad. After the neighbor walked away, they started coming towards the woods. I popped out of the trees. I saw Brianna holding my favorite toss toy, the blue and green and yellow rope with the green rubber ball on it. She bent down and called "come here, Carly! I have your toy!!!" I wondered if she was still mad at me. Why else would she be spraying me with water if she wasn't mad at me? I almost didn't go. But she didn't have a hose with her or a bucket or anything. So I bounded forward to get to the toy. I dashed by her to Dad and then back to her. I stuck my nose against her legs. She'd been crying. She clipped my collar on. That was the end of my freedom. But I felt very bad about it. Were they still mad at me?

A little, I guess. I was covered in mud, they claim. I wasn't covered in mud, I was just de-vanilla-oatmealifying myself. So they took me inside and put me in the bathtub and scrubbed me down. They shampooed me at least three times. I watched the brown water run down the drain and wondered miserably why they were making me yucky again. At this rate, I'll NEVER be able to smell natural!!! Even worse, Dad claims they didn't actually get all the dirt out of me.

Then they dried me off and I had to go in my crate while they ate dinner. They were still kind of mad at me, I think. But after dinner they played with me and actually brushed my teeth. At first, I was a little mad. But the toothpaste is poultry flavored and actually really good.

And then I... Well, it's embarrassing. I had an accident on the den floor. They were all mad at me all over again. Then Brianna went to take me outside and I didn't want to sit to put the leash on. Even Dad lost it. He yelled at me until I sat.

I was very sad. I still am. I had an early bedtime. I'm afraid my people don't love me anymore. Today I'm just very sad. I think my people don't love me anymore.

UGGG!

They gave me ANOTHER bath!!! They claimed I still smelled "bad", so they took me into the bathroom and Dad sprayed me down and Brianna shampooed. It was awful.

Maybe it would have been better, but after that they took all my rope toys and my rug that I lay on most of the day and the blanket in my crate and my collar and my leash and WASHED them! They were just starting to smell right, after last week when they washed them!!! Not just that, they scrubbed my crate down!!! Nothing is right now!!!

And I don't like smelling like vanilla oatmeal. That is just not the same as all-natural dog smell. I just don't get why they don't like dog smell! Dog smell is organic and delightful. It's MUCH better than that gross "coco-butter kiss" stuff Brianna occasionally sprays on herself. It smells like chemicals and fake flowers. Dog, on the other hand, smells like the great outdoors. Dirt. Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Do yourself a favor. Don't bathe your dog. It just creates unnecessary conflict and evil smells. And DON'T wash their bedding. That's just wrong. To have a happy dog, you must throw all pretenses of cleanliness out the window. We can take care of it ourselves.